Friday, February 29, 2008

See what I'm doing with my "extra day?" I'm looking at more entertaining ads from the '30s. One of my favorites is this reassurance from the medical front.
Hey, if DOCTORS smoke Camels, they must be safe, right? Is that a real doctor in the photo, or is he just playing one on camera? Who cares?
Pass me a stogie, Doc.

And then, we have these care-free guys, cheerfully pointing out the likelihood of

your imminent death, so don't worry -be happy! Smoke your face off!

And if you're STILL not convinced, especially you men out there
who might be having a little difficulty leading a lady into temptation,
check out this sure-fire trick:


Don't try it with me, though, or I'll snatch that Tipalet out of your hand and grind it into your eyeballs. Smoking CAN be dangerous to your health!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Okay, all you frustrated dieters out there. Here's the answer to your prayers. Just swallow a few "sanitized TAPE WORMS" and you can eat to your heart's content. Your squirmy little friends will gobble up that cake and ice cream, those greasy burgers and fries, the extra-cheese-and-sausage pizza and everything else you shovel down your gaping maw. Of course, the devious little devils will grow a LOT over time, but YOU will shrink, so not to worry. Place your order now!

Okay, now that you've shrunk down to your desired size,
you can indulge in that treat you've always wanted: LARD! You can have buckets of lard! Gallons of lard! Lardy, Lardy! Lard have mercy! I feel a gigantic orgasm coming on, just thinking about it! Of course, that cute guy in those sexy swim trucks doesn't hurt, either. Mmmm, mmm, good. Oily, slippery, sliding, in...out, in...out... Oh, wait, where was I?

Monday, February 18, 2008

Kids say the darndest things, according to several bloggers I've been reading lately. I just finished reading a beautiful post by west coast walker in which he recounts the story of his four-year-old son asking him "Where is the wall at the end of the world?" Mr. Walker was impressed by the "matter of fact" way the boy asked the question.

Of course, this reminded me immediately of a question my son (Precious) asked me, when he was about 5 or 6 years old. We had recently covered, in a very sketchy way, the subject of how the baby gets into the mommy's tummy and the role of the daddy in the scenario..Precious liked to cogitate on the mysteries of life and work up his own theories. Then he would present his hypothesis to me, often with a follow-up question. So, on this particular day, I was expecting something, because he had been sitting quietly for several minutes, deep in thought. I was sitting at the table, drinking a cup of coffee and reading. Precious spoke. "Mama, I know the daddy's seed floats through the air, from the daddy to the mommy [note: That is NOT what I had told him. ], but what happens if somebody else gets in the way?"

Somehow, I managed to swallow most of my coffee before bursting out laughing. He looked perplexed and embarrassed. "What's so funny?"

"I'm sorry, Precious. Don't worry about it. No one else can get in the way, because the mommy and daddy are alone when it happens."

That satisfied him for the time being. But when Hubby got home and I told him the story, he laughed and said, "When Precious grows up, he'll find out that you fibbed. Sometimes somebody else DOES get in the way."

Friday, February 15, 2008

While reading a post by dcup regarding sheltering her son from porn, I was reminded of an incident in my parenting past.
One day, I was in the den, ironing clothes and listening to the radio. My seven-year-old son was playing with his Legos nearby. The news was being broadcast, and the announcer launched into a story about a serial rapist who had been apprehended that day. There was considerable detail about the number of victims and the circumstances, and I was hoping desperately that my son was not listening. My "birds and bees" policy with both my kids was to answer their questions truthfully, as they came up, but not to go further than the question warrented. Needless to say, the question of "rape" had never been raised, and I wasn't eager to have to explain it. So, I just kept looking at the ironing board and hoping, hoping there would be no questions from my precious little boy.
Indeed, there was no question. But there was a statement. Precious looked up at me and said, "Wow, he sure was a horny guy!"

Monday, February 11, 2008

Pretty Ugly

I feel pret-ty, oh so pret-ty...
No! You're ugly!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Pretty is as pretty does.
Beauty is only skin deep; ugly goes clear to the bone.
Maybe plastic surgery would help.
She already had plastic surgery.
My dog doesn't care what I look like. He loves me, as long as I feed him and take him for walks.
My cat doesn't care what I look like. She loves me, as long as I feed her and cater to her every whim.
Blind people don't care what I look like, as long as I stay far enough away so they can't feel my face.
Kind people pretend not to notice what I look like.
Cruel people stare.
I say, "Fuck you all! I don't care what I look like."

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Eat or Be Eaten

Last night, Hubby and I watched a fascinating show on Animal Planet. It was called "Blue World" (I think, but don't quote me) and involved some men in a diving bell photographing life in the deep, deep, really deep ocean. That "life" was very strange-looking and very scary. BIG TEETH being a common feature. I'm talking about teeth SO BIG that the ugly critters couldn't even close their mouths. But boy-oh-boy could they catch unwary passers-by! SNAP! All gone. Since there is no light at all down there, some of the creatures had developed various forms of phosphorescent emanations to attract prey. There were exactly two occupations down there. The primary one was eating and the secondary one was reproducing. Well, I should probably say there were three occupations, if you count "trying not to be eaten" as one of them.
So, that got me to thinking about life on dry land, and wondering if there is really any difference between us humans and those primitive marine animals. Okay, I know you're waiting anxiously for my conclusion, so I'll tell you right now: The answer is NO! Think about it. We want to eat and we want to fuck. Everything we do boils down to that. We fight over territory so we can have more to eat and to eat fancier than the next guy and to have more people to fuck. We adorn ourselves and perform in various ways (think show business and sports) so we can get more people to fuck us or want to fuck us. We work to accumulate wealth and power so we can eat better and fuck more than the other guy. We try to live longer so we can eat more and fuck more. What have I left out? Oh, yeah, the part about trying not to be eaten, but that's basically so we can live longer so we can eat more and fuck more.
Hmmmm....I have just thought of one really big difference, at least in Western so-called civilization, and it is the paradoxical fact that the more we eat, the fatter we get, and consequently the less people want to fuck us!

I just may have to do a little more research on this subject.