Saturday, March 21, 2009

Do It Yourself !

Can someone please explain to me why we are taught that masturbation is "wrong?" It feels good. It doesn't hurt anyone. You can't get pregnant doing it. You can't get venereal disease from doing it. You don't have to take a shower first, if you don't want to. No one has to be "in the mood" but you. What's not to like?

But no! We are made to feel guilty and ashamed of doing it. When I was a child, I "knew" that I was a verrrrry bad girl for "playing with myself." I don't remember now how this knowledge was imparted to me, but it was intense. I continued to think this as I grew older. When I started dating, the "dates" always ended up with a wild necking session in the back seat of the boyfriend's car. For the first couple of years, I managed to avoid "going all the way," but the necking always got me so hot and bothered that when I got home and went to bed I could not sleep until Mr. Hand did his dirty work. Then I would be flooded with guilt and promise myself I would never do it again. But then, Saturday night, the drive-in movie, and my resolve would go up in smoke. When I got married the first time, my husband had no clue (and very little interest) how to satisfy me, so I was still on my own. But again...shame followed every episode of self gratification.

Fortunately, I finally outgrew that curse. Renouncing religion helped a lot. Embracing logic helped even more. I remember asking myself, "What on earth is wrong with it? Who does it hurt? How can it be bad to make yourself feel good?" And then it occurred to me that there may be some evolutionary reason for the human arm to be just the right length to easily place one's hand on one's genitals! Ahhhhhhh...!
And oh, how I would like to place my hand on this cowboy's genitals...


Mind you, I'm not recommending "rubbin' the nubbin" or "rockin' the cock" in public! And I have a long way to go before I'd be able to write a post like Captain Smack's "Interesting things I have done to my penis" or write a story like Phillip Roth's "Portnoy's Complaint," where he describes in excruciating detail what he did with some raw calf liver, but this post is a start.

12 comments:

fingers said...

Your observation about the human arm is utterly brilliant, Z.
I was halfway through a post on the opposable thumb and you've just given me the perfect ending for it.
May I plagiarise you...just a little...

Mathman6293 said...

We saw some folks in chaps last night. I thought they should have just been wearing the leather. But I think you are right - and Portnoy's Complaint is tame compared to the whacking in Roth's Sabbath's Theater from about 10 or 12 years ago.

Bill Stankus said...

A cowboy? That's too clich├ęd. Altho they do yell "Yahoo buckaroo" a lot. What about lumberjacks, master fisherman, mountain climbers, bomber pilots or gamers with multi-dexterous fingers?

Montgomery Maxton said...

loves it!

Lisa said...

You are so right. And I hope we've never imparted the masturbation is bad idea to our kids. In fact, I don't think it's ever come up at all. Is silence on the issue a bad thing?

Madam Z said...

Fingers: An opposable thumb is useless without fingers.

Mathman: Ooooooo - cowboys in chaps with only the leather. That's great material for my next - um - adventure...

Bill: If they're built like that cowboy, they're in!

Monty: Don't we all?

Lisa: I made a vow that I would never, EVER indicate to my children that there was anything wrong with masturbation. I did, however, have to mention that it should not be done in public.

Creepy said...

We're not supposed to masturbate because we're not supposed to have any fun. Enjoying life is a sin. God is a sadist.

Bill Stankus said...

When I see a cowboy I think, "pin head". Sorry. Cowboy hats, hard hats, badges, etc... It's like all those guys who drive all those emungous 4x4 trucks with giant tires and extra long truck beds - I think, "Big dude, little pee pee."

And, what I remember from Catholic grade school is this: At the end of time, God's going to do a slide show of every person ever to be born and show their sins to every one. Besides being a long thing to sit through, do you really want your play thing and you shown to gazillion people? Of course you don't - REPENT!

UBERMOUTH said...

Plus it's healthy for you emotionlly and physically-although,not for you when I tell your mum your url. :)

UBERMOUTH said...

Plus it's healthy for you emotionlly and physically-although,not for you when I tell your mum your url. :)

Distributorcap said...

because religious people know everything.....

hence what a great planet we have

i wish the bushes would have practiced it back in the 40s

Grant Miller said...

It's not something to be ashamed of. Nor is it anything to be proud of unless you're really good at it.