Wednesday, January 26, 2011

'S no Fun!

It's snowing again. We don't need any more snow, goddamnit! There was plenty of snow on the ground yesterday, then more was dumped on us this morning. It finally stopped around 2 pm and I thought it was done. But NOOOOO! That witch, Mother Nature had to flex her stupid snow muscles again, and now I don't even want to look outside, for fear the goddamn house is being buried in the disgusting stuff.
I thought global warming was supposed to take care of this unpleasantness. Surely by now we in the mid-state region should be able to grow orchids outside in the middle of winter. But all we can grow now is gigantic icicles! I actually saw some icicles yesterday that reached from the eaves of a neighbor's house, all the way to the ground.
One week from today is Groundhog Day. That little bastard better not see his shadow, or he's going into my stew pot!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Earth vs. Moon

I'd much rather live on the Earth than the moon. Sure, the moon looks pretty from a distance, especially when it's full, like tonight, but up close, it's just a big, ugly rock. Of course, the Earth has some big, ugly places too, like the Bronx and most of Afghanistan, but it has a lot of really pretty places too. Especially in the Spring, in my back yard. In fact, my back yard is pretty for nine months of the year - Spring through Autumn. Winter sucks, but even when it's ickky Winter up here in the northern hemisphere, it's Summer down in the southern half of good old Earth. On the far side of the moon, it's always winter, cold and dark.
Here on Earth, the best things in life are free - flowers, butterflies, blue skies, sunshine, love and sex (if you're lucky). On the moon, you'd have to pay a hell of a lot to import most of that, and it wouldn't last long, with no atmosphere. Atmosphere is especially important for good sex. On Earth, moonlight provides some good atmosphere, but on the moon, you'd be either in the too-bright sunlight or total darkness. Also, you'd be confined to those bulky spacesuits and helmets, which would be a real downer, if you know what I mean.
There would be some advantages to moon life, the absence of talk radio and drivers-yakking-on-cell-phones, for instance. But for now, I'm staying right here, enjoying the lovely light of the full moon from a safe distance.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Taxation Without Precipitation

Mark Twain said, "Everybody talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it." Well, that was then and this is now. I have a suggestion for our clueless government: Tax the weather!
There could be different rates and different measures for different kinds of weather. Pleasant, sunny days should be taxed at the highest rate, since people would be in a better mood on those days, and less apt to complain. Extremely hot, humid days would have a lower rate per hour, but we could make up for the reduced income to the state by taxing sweat. Granted, it may be difficult to accurately measure the individual taxpayer's sweat, but I'm sure our brilliant legislators could come up with a method.
Taxing rain should be easy. The government could install computerized rain gauges on every taxpayer's property, which would not only measure the number of inches in the gauge, but automatically compute the amount of rain falling on the entire property. The per-unit charge would be higher after a drought and lower after generalized flooding.
Snow taxation presents more of a challenge, since most people over the age of 10 tend to think of snow as a curse, not a benefit. Of course, the same could be said of many people's attitude toward government, but we must remind ourselves that, without taxation, we would not have a government, and vice-versa. So, to ensure that the government will survive the winter, we must impose a tax on the snow we receive. Very light snows may be taxed by the snowflake. Heavier snows could be taxed by the foot, with a special surcharge imposed after the depth reaches the roof of your car.
I urge all concerned citizens to write their representatives with these suggestions. If the weather tax is successful, perhaps we could find a way to measure and tax the air we breathe and the tears we shed!

Monday, January 03, 2011

Stupid Stuff

Today is January 3, 2011. Twenty-eleven. What kind of stupid year-number is that? Year-numbers are supposed to start with "Nineteen!" Nineteen eighty-seven was a very good year. That was the year I left my first husband and started a new life. Nineteen ninety was a good year, too. That was the year I met my second husband. The last good year was nineteen ninety-nine. Then came stupid Two-thousand. It wasn't bad enough that the year-name was stupid. I had to go and get married, which was really dumb! We got along just fine as significant others, each with his own territory. Oh well. Back to the year thing. Isn't it funny how it changed from "two thousand, two thousand one, two thousand two, etc, until January 1, 2011, when the year name changed to TWENTY eleven, enstead of two thousand eleven? At least I THINK it changed...maybe it's just the way *I* say it now! I'm trying to remember if I've heard anyone pronounce the new year name yet. Maybe it's only I who say twenty-eleven. Shit. I'm going to bed.