1. I’m grouchy in the morning.
2. I’m often grouchy in the afternoon.
3. I’m seldom grouchy in the evening, unless someone persists in irritating me.
4. I dislike the color blue, probably because my little sister Julie had blue eyes and everyone was always saying how pretty she was, and I had brown eyes and no one ever said how pretty I was.
6. My favorite color is red-orange and I have red-orange hair. It is very pretty.
30.I do not wish to listen to any popular music produced after 1985. It is not music.
36. Chimpanzees are my favorite animals, but I wouldn’t want to be one.
38. Not that I have any more crevices than the next guy.
42. I went to a lowbrow Chippendale-style performance once. Those guys were so incredibly sexy; I was ready to tear their tiny little briefs right off of them! All of the women in the audience were hootin’ and hollerin’.
46. I’m glad I’m not a cannibal.
47. I’m glad I’m not pregnant.
48. I’m glad I’m almost half-done with this list.
49. When I was 29, I went white-water rafting on the Green River and our raft ran straight into a huge rock in the middle of the stream and I didn’t fall out of the raft, which was a good thing, because I can’t swim.
50. Once upon a time, I was nude-sunbathing on a small, rocky island in Lake Powell, thinking I was all alone, when a motor boat with several men came putt-putting up next to me. I just rolled over on my stomach and closed my eyes, willing them to go away. They did, eventually.
51. And then there was the time when I chased a bunch of armed hunters off of our farm, with nothing but my anger and a lot of profanity.
52. Two years ago I was in Italy, and I found my own way from Assisi to the Tiemplo di Minerva, using only my steely-eyed determination and 12 words of Italian.
53. I wish I were fluent in Italian.
54. I wish I could make love to one of the gondoliers in Venice.
55. I wish I could make love to that glassblower in the glass factory I visited in Murano. He was a big, muscley man.
57. Last year, I forded a wild stream in Kauai, holding onto a rope that was entirely inadequate and I would have been swept over the falls if a big, muscley surfer-dude had not come to my rescue.
58. I almost always wear underwear when I’m in public.
59. haven’t gone hang-gliding yet. I’m waiting until the doctor tells me I have only six months to live.
62. Now I take Zoloft and I love being alive.
65. I had an uncle who was a dirty, fucking, pedophile creep and I hope he burns and rots in hell.
67. I get annoyed with adults who don’t know the difference between “their,” “they’re,” and “there.”
72. I tried escargot too. I brushed my teeth about six times afterwards.
74. I have never faked an orgasm. And if you believe that, you must be a man.
75. I go to the gym three times a week and work out for 1½ hours each time. But I feel guilty that I’m not getting the exercise by doing actual, productive work.
76. I feel guilty about feeling guilty.
77. I hate cooked carrots, but I don’t feel guilty for hating them. They deserve it. Stupid carrots.
78. I’m left-handed, but I masturbate with my right hand. Go figure.
79. I plan to wash all the windows in my house, as soon as hell freezes over.
80. I thought I was in love once, but it was just gas.
81. I can read palms. You will lead a long and happy life…oh dear, wait…never mind, let’s talk about something else.
82. I’ve never met a vibrator I didn’t like.
83. I am really hungry right now, so I’m going to go get something good to eat and try not to feel guilty about it, even though I know I will, because I promised myself I wouldn’t eat anything fattening tonight, but everything that sounds good to me is fattening!
87. I learned the hard way that I must never tell a Jehovah’s Witness missionary that I am an Atheist. It is like waving raw meat in front of a lion.
88. When I was five years old, a neighbor girl hit me across the head with a two-by-four. So I killed her. (Only one of these sentences is true.)
89. While I’ve never done any actual research on the subject, I suspect that lesbians give better cunnilingus than men do, since they actually know THE LOCATION OF THE CLITORIS!
90. I can crush Japanese Beetles with my bare fingers.
91. I think the sale and use of marijuana should be legal. Period! Exclamation mark:
92. My favorite pen is in the shape of a flamingo, with lots of bright pink feathers on top of its head.
95. I cry over spilt milk.
96. I truly believe that two wrongs make a right.
97. You CAN have your cake and eat it too. It will be stored in that roll of fat around your waist.
98. Sometimes I think I may have a split personality. But then someone inside my head assures me that I don’t.
99. A rose is a rose is a rose, unless it’s a banana. In that case, it might have a “split” personality. Get it? A banana split? Never mind.
100. I’m nearing the finish line! My heart is pounding like an angry judge’s gavel. I’m out of breath. I think I may throw up! But no, I can’t quit now, no matter how much you would like me to!
101. I cooked a man in Crisco, just to watch him fry.