Sunday, December 30, 2007

I left a comment on Dr. Zaius' blog regarding John McCain's "moral bankruptcy." It turned out to be such a passionate diatribe, that I must share it with you. Fuck! I may rent a goddamned billboard and post it on the highway.

All these sub-simian assholes who talk about us "surrendering in Iraq" act like the IRAQIS are the ones who STARTED this stupid war! Listen up, McCain. The U.S. INVADED IRAQ! We SHOULDN'T HAVE! Our stated goal was to depose Sadaam Hussein. We did that. HE'S FUCKING DEAD! So let's just say (once again) MISSION ACCOMPLISHED AND GET THE HELL OUT of the Pottery Barn, before we break whatever's left there and before we FINISH BREAKING THE AMERICAN BANK!
Not that I'm upset or anything.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

I've been tagged by Politits ! How cool is that? Answer: Very! I'm supposed to tell you seven LIES about myself. How hard is that? Answer: Not very!

1. I'm a tall, willowy Amazon with flame-red hair and jade-green eyes.

2. I love George W. Bush with all my heart and soul and not only that, when someone calls out to me, "Who's your daddy?" I shout back, with tears of joy in my eyes, "DICK CHENEY!"

3. Today, in a fit of religious fervor, I entered a nearby church, ripped off all of my clothes, prostrated myself on the alter, and shouted, "Take me Jesus!" Unfortunately, it turned out that today, being Saturday, there were no services and I interrupted the Lord's Undercover Sex Talk, but it turned out okay anyway.
4. I have decided that I don't give a flying fuck about getting fat, so I cancelled my membership at the gym and ate four sausage and black olive pizzas and two pounds of Ghirardelli chocolates. And that was just for breakfast!

5. I cleaned the entire house today, including washing all the windows, inside and out, waxed all the hardwood floors, took the venetian blinds down and washed every slat, snaked out all the drains, took the covers off all the ceiling lights and emptied out all the dead flies and moths, changed the shelf paper in all the cupboards and drawers, dusted every single surface - even the tops of the books on the shelves, polished all the brass fixtures, cleaned the oven and the refrigerator (even the freezer!), vacuumed the upholstery, brushed and flossed my teeth and douched! And that was BEFORE BREAKFAST!

6. I believe that men are vastly superior to women in every way and we women should always be subservient and respectful, expecting nothing in return, but show our undying gratitude for any small favor they may bestow upon us.

7. I am completely uninterested in anything related to sex, have no desire to engage in sexual activity, feel no interest in the unclothed, muscular, well-hung, male body, no matter how seductive his glances or how strong his hands or deft his tongue or....wait...I'm getting distracted...

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Do you know what today is? It's three days past the Winter Soltice, that's what! The days are getting longer again, thank the universe. Hubby and I celebrated by going for a delightful walk in the woods. We walked along a sparkling, clear creek, along which we saw lots and lots of racoon foot/hand prints. No actual critters, just their tracks. There was plenty of sunshine and blue sky. So pretty.

Now I must get to work and comb through my short story file and choose something to send off to some magazine. That may not sound like a big deal to normal people like you, but it is a task I've been putting off for YEARS! I don't know if it's laziness or fear of rejection, or what, but I just don't do it. But on Sunday, I was visiting a friend who asked me how my writing was going. I said "Nowhere," and he admonished me. Then he gave me a pep talk (rah, rah!) and said he was giving me four days to do the deed. He will call me on Thursday to see if I follow through. Hey! No problem! I still have two more days...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Things I Like To Do When I'm In a Bad Mood
1. Sulk

2. Piss and moan

3. Pout

4. Curse

5. Throw rocks at squirrels

6. Blame others for my many misfortunes

7. Wonder what squirrels could possibly be good for, anyway.

8. Think about moving to Australia

9. Drink a cup of coffee

10. Start to feel better

Sunday, December 16, 2007

You know what I'm sick of? Yeah, you're right. The answer is "things too numerous to recount." But right now, the things at the top of the list are as follows (in order of intensity of sickness):

1. Any public photos, articles about, talk about, or any other reference to fucking stupid Paris goddamned-drunk Hilton.

2. Any public photos, articles about, talk about, or any other reference to fucking stupid Britney goddamned-drunk Spears.

3. Any public photos, articles about, talk about, or any other reference to fucking stupid Nicole goddamned-drunk Richie.

4. Any public photos, articles about, talk about, or any other reference to fucking stupid Lindsey goddamned-drunk Lohan.

5. Stupid, fucking, goddamned freezing cold wind blowing all around my goddamned poorly insulated, leaky-windowed house.

There. I feel better now.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Languid Lists

I like to make lists. The act of writing down the tasks I should perform makes me feel like I am getting something done. There! It's all spelled out; the chores are enumerated (though I seldom go beyond number ten) and I feel a small surge of ambition. Then the phone rings, or I get hungry and wander into the kitchen, or spot the book I've been reading and pick it up, and the list is forgotten and gradually melts into the pile of papers on the desk (task #3 was "CLEAN UP PILE OF PAPERS ON DESK"), and I forget about it. But it did feel so good to take that first step.
I also like to self-diagnose my seemingly chronic condition of unaccomplishment. Could it be A.D.D. (Artists Don't Dust)? Or A.D.H.D. (Artists Dislike Handling Dirt)? Maybe it's G.E.R.D. (Geniuses Enjoy Rampant Disorder). I prefer not to think it's L.G.F.N.A

Sometimes one or two of the chores on the list keep knocking around in my head, even after the paper has disappeared. Right now the persistent unpleasantry is to WRITE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS LETTER. We don't even observe Christmas! Why do I have to write a goddamned Christmas letter? The answer is...Because my relatives send me their letters, I do love many of my relatives, so I have to send them my letter. I should be writing it right now. But you see what I AM doing; I'm posting on my blog. That is much easier. I don't have to try to sort through the past year of boring inactivity, trying to make things sound more interesting than they are.

Hmmmm...I think one of the things on some list, somewhere, is: EAT ALL THE CHOCOLATE YOU WANT! Hey, I can do that! Bye!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Ah-so. Say What?

According to the Washington Post, the Japanese are way out-blogging the English speakers of the world. The 130 million Japanese speakers post 37% of all blogs, while we laggard 1.1 BILLION Englishers post only 36%.
No wonder they make better cars than we do.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Ten (count 'em) Reasons I'd Like to Live a Few More Years

1. The house is a mess. There are surfaces that haven't been dusted in at least six months. I don't want to suffer from PMS (Post-Mortem Shame) if that fact were to be discovered by someone MOTHER-IN-LAW!

2. I must find and destroy all my various diaries before I bite the dust (and, as I mentioned in #1, there is lots of dust in this house.)

3. I've been thinking of taking a Figure Drawing class at the local art school. I've heard that the male model resembles a stallion in some areas...

4. I want to make love to Hubby at least 1,000 more times. Let's see...3 x a week, that's 156 x a year, so I'd have to live at least 6.41 more years to reach that goal. Wait, let's make that "at least 2,000 more times."

5. I really, really want to learn how to play Texas Hold 'em.

6. I really, really want one of my shy short stories to send itself to some magazine and demand to get itself published, before I close the book on my mortal coil.

7. And then there are all those boxes of photos sitting on the shelf, next to the empty albums...
There's some small chance that my kids would be less likely to just dump the pictures, if they were all neatly mounted and labeled.

8. And Muscat grapes! I haven't eaten Muscat grapes since I was in Spain, in 1990. They were my favorite grapes when I lived in California, back in the good old days, when you could still find grapes with flavor. So...maybe I'll plant a Muscat vine this spring, if I can find one in some arcane catalogue.

9. I'd like to live long enought to see pot legalized. Que cree? Posible o no?

10. But most of all, I want to solve that Sweet Mystery of Life,

oh...and maybe get a pet chimpanzee