Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I'm almost done with the saga of Pan-man, on Z-rated. One more post should do it. Sigh. He was such a god.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Top Two Reasons Why America Has a HUGE National Debt
1. The government spends too much money.
2. The government does not tax the people enough to pay for the spending.

Top Two Reasons Why the Government Spends too Much Money

1. The administration loves to wage war (as long as they, personally, don't have to do the fighting), no matter how much it costs.
2. The country is consumed by an entitlement mentality.

Top Two Reasons Why the Government does not raise taxes to pay for the spending

1. If the gov't raised taxes, the populace would wake up and pay attention to where the money is going, and then kick the assholes out of office.

2. They can borrow all the money they want from China...so far...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Top Ten Reasons Why I Like My Blog

1. No one can interupt me while I'm talking.
2. No one reading it knows what I look like behind those green sunglasses.
3. I can say any fucking shit I want to.
4. I get entertaining comments from people like
distributorcap, jewgirl and dcup.
5. I set it up ALL BY MYSELF! (OK, OK, I didn't create the blogspot software, smart aleck)
6. It's more entertaining than anything on tv (with the possible exception of Wheel of Fortune).
7. I don't need an agent to get published.
8. It doesn't contribute to global warming.
9. It keeps me off the streets at night.
And...Number 10...it rhymes with FROG!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Mission Accomplished!

Pan-man has been expunged from the pristine pages of "get your zs" and banished to the dark and frightening world of "Z-rated."

Unfortunately, the effort required to complete that mission has exhausted my alloted time for fooling around on the computer. So...the completion of Chapter 5 will have to wait...again...

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Shy, dainty flower that I am, I started getting uncomfortable with posting this lasivious tale on "get-your-zs." So...I will continue the story on my other blog, Z-rated . THEN, stretching my fragile tech skills beyond their limit, I will attempt to TRANSFER chapters 1 through 4 to
Z-rated. My hands are trembling...my eyelids are twitching...cold sweat is gathering on my forehead...

Here goes...

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Hmmm...I think I'm going to pull a "Kelso" here. I'm not going to go to the trouble of continuing the saga of Pan-man and the conference table, if only one person is going to read it. I thought I'd as least get some attention from my favorite femmy bloggers, like Katie, dcup and the Smack . But no dice. Sniffle, whine. And where is Captain Smack, when I need a smile to brighten my dreary day? I am grateful to Distributorcap for stopping by. I felt a bit of a lift from his kindness.

Maybe I'll just do an "infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of computers" thing, instead of my usual more arduous post.

Here goes...

mcourqfnldkqnsjfew reufqp jqjf ;jfaifjr as;tur93a.fjaper f vncscxdqirr/ cidfa;r3jrljrqw ; dkfew5q'jrl;ew5j ;suew;jk fs vasl;jfrjg ksjf nba;rjt;naporiq qnkadfjoqhqkwjiwurqhA;LRHHG;UFPN VJF0D958 RKU44J6;QWUW QTJURWJQT JQEW5Q'UTQ 3T DINF hf9oerjqlfjwp8543;nioeur1'jfeqhr4 ,mfasd985 ied;58nfdjrq;qjq'ffn4358fekqt ;eieyqewpqhfNFJDQNFOQR7JIQRWE SARUIRNFQ;FJ...

Okay, does it sound like Shakespeare yet?

Monday, October 08, 2007


Well, nobody actually asked, but I was inspired by Politits , who was inspired by Freida Bee , to think of seven more things about my illustrious self.

1. I'm pretty sure that I saw a flying saucer, on the night of July 5, 1976, while camping in North Dakota.

2. The best sex I ever had took place on the conference table in the business office where I worked. (After closing time, of course...)

3. I was 30 years old before I learned that the "b" is silent in the word "subtle."

4. Until I was almost 10 years old, I thought that pregnancy was caused by the preacher saying, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

5. I don't understand how some people can believe that you get a ticket to heaven by detonating a bomb strapped to him/herself and ripping bystanders, men, women and children, to bloody shreds.

6. But then, I don't understand how ANYONE past the age of 7 can believe in heaven.

7. One of my best friends tells me that I am the most neurotic person she's ever known. I tell HER that "birds of a feather flock together."

Sunday, October 07, 2007

The Real Me - In All My Flaming Glory

The totally rad Miss Smack sent me a photo of myself which she noticed in Vogue Magazine. It's one of my favorites, so I'm posting it for your viewing pleasure.

Believe me, it's not easy being this gorgeous. The meshugana paparazzi hound me, everywhere I go. Always with the flashbulbs!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Important Lessons I Have Learned the Hard Way

1. Do not, under any circumstances, try to shave your underarms with a bare razor blade.

2. Do not set the cookbook, the cutting board, or your special China cup on the burner of an electric range, thinking that it is not "on."

3. Do not slip a soggy dumpling off of your plate and into your pants pocket, thinking that the hostess will not see you and subsequently tattle on you in front of all the neighbor ladies.

4. Do not try to dance the Polka when you are 8 1/2 months pregnant.

5. Do not go to your first opera, wearing a dress that zips up the back, unless you are sure it is zipped.

6. If you're still a lot smaller than your mother, do not tell her, when she tells you it's time to get up, "If you think I'm getting up now, you're full of shit," even if you did hear your father tell her that.

7. Do not leave your purse on the hood of a car, in a public parking lot, while chatting with a friend, and then walk away.

8. Do not leave your purse on the chair of a restaurant in a small town in southern Utah, and then get in your car and drive all the way to Salt Lake City.

9. Do not leave your purse on the table in a public library, while you go to the rest room.

10. Learn from your mistakes and stop carrying a purse...large pockets will do just fine.

11. Do not let your doofus aunt give you a home permanent.

12. Do not let your bare leg touch the exhaust pipe of your motorcycle.

13. Do not drop your rowing machine on your bare, big toe.

14. Do not fight with your little sister, who is now bigger than you are, over who gets to wear the tiger-striped swimsuit.

15. Do not try to retroactively mask the sound of an accidental fart by making another, louder noise afterward.

16. Do not let a beautician, whose right hand is in a cast, give you a perm,

when she must wait for another beautician to have time to rinse the

perm-solution-from-hell out of your former hair.

17. Ditch the whole perm thing, altogether. Straight is great.

18. Do not leave your very favorite hat, the only hat you've ever liked, in the basket of your bike while you go into the K-Mart.

19. Do not sleep with a guy, just because you're afraid of hurting his feelings if you don't.

20. Do not marry a man who tells you on your honeymoon that "A ship can have only one captain," and you know that he isn't referring to you.

21. Do not go swimming in a public pool unless you are absolutely sure that the top of your swim suit is SECURELY FASTENED.

22. Do not drop a tab of LSD when you are supposed to go to work five hours later.

23. Do not eat a second magic brownie because the first one's "not working."

24. Do not get married until you're at least 30 or 40 years old.

25. Do not attempt to pronounce any French word, unless you are French.

Monday, October 01, 2007

My font is blue and so am I. Hubby and I just fight and fight over the STUPIDEST things. He prods me with incendiary remarks and I TRY to keep my temper under control, but he picks and picks until I blow. Then he has the satisfaction of thinking that the whole problem is because I am insane, nuts, neurotic or whatever his adjective du jour is. I hate to fight! He loves to fight! Fuck it!

I ended up getting in the car and driving away, not knowing where I was going. But I was afraid I'd have a wreck, if I kept on driving in that condition (DWI - Driving While Insane), so I just pulled over to the curb and sat there for an hour. Now I'm home and don't know what to do.