Saturday, January 02, 2010


Pat, Pat, Pat


All the recent fuss about increased airport securtity reminded me of what happened to me a few years ago, shortly after that goofball "shoe bomber" was apprehended. I was going to fly from Baltimore to L.A. and was waiting to board the plane at a terminal in BWI. I had passed through the scanning booth with no problems that I knew of and sat down in the crowded waiting area. A nice-looking young man was sitting a couple seats down from me. I couldn't help but notice that he was engrossed in "reading" a girlie magazine of some sort. Suddenly, a person from behind the counter approached the young man and whispered something to him. They both turned to look at me and the young man stood up. First, he carefully placed his magazine, open to the place he had been perusing, face down on the seat of his chair. Then he pulled a scanning wand from his belt and spoke to me. He told me that he had been instructed to scan me and that I should step over to the side of the waiting area. I was dumbfounded! I had no idea why I had been selected, but I followed orders. He told me to hold my arms out from my sides while he slid that wand over my body. Picture this! A middle-aged woman, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, standing spread-eagled in front of a whole waiting area full of people, while a young man runs a wand over, under and all around her whole body. And then! A pat-down. Fortunately for both of us, he didn't "pat" any private parts. If he had, he would have met some serious resistance from Zelda the kung-fu-fighter. When he failed to find anything suspicious, he dismissed me and went back to his seat and his Hustler magazine.

I found a seat on the opposite side of the room and felt thankful that I had remembered to remove my diaphragm before going to the airport.

9 comments:

Bill Stankus said...

Wow, did he ever go to great lengths to check you out. I mean he left his Hustler magazine just for you. Some guys will try anything ... the "need to talk to you, National Security" line is a doozy & the airport is the perfect place for it.

Harry said...

I'm probably gonna show my ignorance here but is there metal in diaphragms? Or is yours just a super robo-diaphragm?

Madam Z said...

Bill, thanks for the enlightenment! I realize now that I should have been flattered!

Harry, it's a "super robo-diaphragm."

Montgomery Maxton said...

"They" stuck the wand down my pants at Montreal in 2007. Then they took my laptop in a back room for two hours and when they brought it back it never worked again.

This whole aeroport security and procedures and lock-downs in flight and shoe bombs and crotch bombs etc etc etc remind me of a Margaret Atwood novel.

Lad Litter said...

They do random explosives scans here in Oz. I don't mind. Glad they never find the ganja I always put wrapped in plastic inside the sunscreen bottle though.

LarryLilly said...

Two words for airport security.

Fly naked

That way no screening or pat downs, maybe some dark glasses or better yet a full face body shield, darkened of course to either hide the grimace or chit eating smile.

No carry-on, no meals, drinks in hands or whatever.

Here is a plan: When you leave lets say Chicago, you strip down and leave your stuff behind. Clothing, scissors, shoes whatever. Then when you arrive at the destination city you find replacement stuff that those passengers left behind. This repeats often enough and in the end we all look like we did our clothing shopping at Goodwill.

fingers said...

I'm glad Harry asked that question...

Proud2bHumble said...

"A Wanding Called Fishy"?

;}

Ms Smack said...

wow, that's a surprising check!

I wonder why they picked you!