Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Help For the Malcontent...Whiners Anonymous of America
Hi. My name is Zelda, and I'm a whiner.
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Welcome, Zelda! What do you whine about?
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Oh, jeez. Don't get me started...
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Our motto here at W.A.A. is "Change what you can, accept what you can't, and shut up about the rest."
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Yeah, that sounds great. But I just can't accept that Life Isn't Fair!
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Zelda, we all felt that way at one time. But we help each other realize that no one important actually ever said that life is fair. Once you get over that hurdle, you stop expecting fairness, or even looking for it! If you find yourself yearning for justice, just call one of us. We'll talk you through it. Just remember, "fair" is a four-letter word.
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But it's so hard! I've been whining for years. It gets worse, the older I get. In fact, getting old is one of the major reasons for my whining. Why can't I be young and pretty? Look at my hands, all wrinkled and ugly. My face is sagging, my tits are drooping, and my arches are falling. My skin was smooth once, at least I think so, but it's been so long, I don't remember for sure. And that's another thing! My memory is shot. LIFE ISN'T FAIR! The wrinkled part is so much longer than the smooth part!
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It is, if you're lucky! If you die young, there's no wrinkley part, but the whole part is too short. Just remember, no matter how bad things are, they could be a lot worse.
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Thank you, guys. I feel a lot better now.
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That's what we're here for, Zelda. I know it's tough. I haven't whined for three years now, but I think about it every day. At our last meeting we had a new member who kept using the f-word so much that I could feel myself longing for fairness, and the whine was almost to my lips, when Joe, here, saw it coming and slapped me hard. Thank you, Joe.
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Wow! You guys are an inspiration. From now on, whenever I feel myself wanting to ask, "Why does life suck?" I'll just give myself a hard slap and say, "Whine not!"

6 comments:

Bukowski's Basement said...

Inventive, indeed... I think we all feel like that from time to time...

Gorilla Bananas said...

Make sure you slap yourself on the butt, Madame Z. I think it's the most fun place.

Jodi MacArthur said...

HA! Madame Z, you crack me up. I'd like alittle cheese with my whine please.

THis is so funny --> "The wrinkled part is so much longer than the smooth part!"

Harry said...

Nobody likes a whiner but sometimes I think the overly bright-sidey types could use a slap too. I like that the acronym for Whiners Anonymous of America spells WAA:) Great stuff and glad to see you broke the blank page barrier Z.

fingers said...

When life hands you lemons...don't make lemonade...bitch and moan like an entitled c*nt...otherwise life won't get the message and it will keep handing you lemons, Z...

Reno said...

Besides whining can you hum?