Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Help For the Malcontent...Whiners Anonymous of America
Hi. My name is Zelda, and I'm a whiner.
Welcome, Zelda! What do you whine about?
Oh, jeez. Don't get me started...
Our motto here at W.A.A. is "Change what you can, accept what you can't, and shut up about the rest."
Yeah, that sounds great. But I just can't accept that Life Isn't Fair!
Zelda, we all felt that way at one time. But we help each other realize that no one important actually ever said that life is fair. Once you get over that hurdle, you stop expecting fairness, or even looking for it! If you find yourself yearning for justice, just call one of us. We'll talk you through it. Just remember, "fair" is a four-letter word.
But it's so hard! I've been whining for years. It gets worse, the older I get. In fact, getting old is one of the major reasons for my whining. Why can't I be young and pretty? Look at my hands, all wrinkled and ugly. My face is sagging, my tits are drooping, and my arches are falling. My skin was smooth once, at least I think so, but it's been so long, I don't remember for sure. And that's another thing! My memory is shot. LIFE ISN'T FAIR! The wrinkled part is so much longer than the smooth part!
It is, if you're lucky! If you die young, there's no wrinkley part, but the whole part is too short. Just remember, no matter how bad things are, they could be a lot worse.
Thank you, guys. I feel a lot better now.
That's what we're here for, Zelda. I know it's tough. I haven't whined for three years now, but I think about it every day. At our last meeting we had a new member who kept using the f-word so much that I could feel myself longing for fairness, and the whine was almost to my lips, when Joe, here, saw it coming and slapped me hard. Thank you, Joe.
Wow! You guys are an inspiration. From now on, whenever I feel myself wanting to ask, "Why does life suck?" I'll just give myself a hard slap and say, "Whine not!"

Monday, May 17, 2010

I stare forlornly at the blank page. It dares me to write something on it; it mocks me, whispering..."You have nothing to say, Bitch! Just give it up and go to bed. You know that's what you want to do, so leave me alone in my pristine whiteness. Don't sully my surface with your silly scratchings."
"Hey!" I declare defiantly, "Who do think you are, telling me what to do?"

I attack the page with my sharp pen, scratching out "i's" crossing "t's" and scrawling "f - u's."

Unfortunately, no actual words come out of the assault, but I'm sure kicking that blank page's butt!

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

When All Else Fails, HAIKU!

It's a sunny day
But I'm all gray and cloudy
and soon, tears may fall
No, I'm just kidding
I'm actally quite cheerful
Some say - "Bi-polar"
My mind is calm now
Writing haiku is pleasant
Except when it's not
Why do I do it?
I should be writing stories!
But I'm too lazy
No, that's not the word
Not lazy, just idea-less
I must try harder
I will try harder
But...that sounds like lots of work
And I'm so lazy
Yes, really lazy
You've no idea how lazy
Lazy like a fox!
Fooled you, didn't I?
You think I won't write one thing
But you're mistaken
My brain is stirring
I'm getting an idea now
And another one
But first, I must rest
Getting ideas is hard work
and I'm exhausted