Sunday, January 13, 2008

Lady Not Waiting

Yesterday, I read a post in some male's blog (I have tried to remember whose, but I just can't, dammit) that described him being in a men's bathroom when a woman walked in, looked neither to the right nor the left, entered a stall, did her business, and walked out again. The blogger could understand what made the woman do this, because the line outside the WOMAN'S restroom was about a mile long, and the interloper didn't have the time or the bladder capacity to wait.

Being a woman myself, I could certainly sympathize with all the women in that line. And this story reminded me of the one time in my life when I decided to say, "Fuck the line! I'm going in!" This happened about ten summers ago, when I was attending an outdoor music festival in upper NY state. I don't remember where, but it was in some meadow somewhere and it was not Woodstock. A couple girlfriends and I were sharing a tent and a campfire, but all restroom activities depended on a row of outdoor, unisex johns, and for bathing purposes there were two trailer-type structures, one for each gender, with showers and dressing areas inside. The men's trailer never had a line, but the women's ALWAYS had a long line. For the first two days, I was able to hold off on the showering, telling myself, I'm here for the music and the dancing, not to wait in line for an hour. But after two days of dancing, in very hot, humid weather, it was clear that if I expected to get any kind of dance partner, I would have to take the plunge. My favorite band, Skylines, was going to take the stage at 1:oo pm, so I headed for the shower trailers at 11:45. As usual, the women's had a line from here to Timbuktu, and the men's had none. I stood in that goddamned line, clutching my soap, towel and change of clothes, for an hour, as the line inched up at a snail's pace. In the meantime, dozens of men darted in and out of their showers, as though they were on greased skids! There was never a line, because all men have to do is slip off their clothes, jump in the shower, soap quickly, rinse quickly, dry barely, throw on their clothes and leave. The whole process takes about 45 seconds.

Women, on the other manicured hand, screw around washing their hair, putting conditioner on their hair, shave everything south of their chin, use different kinds of soap for each part of their bodies, rinse everything for several minutes, trim their toenails, irrigate their sinuses, contemplate their navels and THEN, when they finally get out of the shower, they have to dry every crevice of their bodies, while STILL STANDING IN THE SHOWER STALL, then finally get out and spend another 1/2 hour in front of the fucking mirrors, drying their hair, putting on makeup and who knows what else. In the meantime, I had started talking to the woman ahead of me in the line, and we managed to work ourselves up to a fever pitch of indignation over the unfairness of the situation. We were angry with the women ahead of us, for their lack of consideration for their sweaty sisters still in line, and we were angry with the men for being so lucky as to be men. Then...with time running out, and fueled with anxiety about the possiblility of missing my favorite band, I got the brilliant idea that we (my new friend and I) could just run over to the men's trailer, which seemed to be empty at the moment, take a quick, man-style shower, and run out again, taking care of any details back at our tents. She would stand guard while I went in, and I would do the same for her. So, we dashed over, I entered the door, ran to a stall and started showering. I heard a commotion outside, so got out of the shower, just as my friend was yelling, "You can't go in. Zelda is in there." Then a male voice said, "Like hell I can't! This is the men's shower." Then more male voices, "We're coming in, ready or not!"
So there I was, naked as a jaybird, while four burly young men stormed the gate, and looked me up and down as I tried to pull my clothes over my still-wet body, while apologizing profusely for my rash behaviour. It did occur to me that they might wish to detain me, so I was frightened, as well as embarrassed. I dashed for the exit, and saw my "lookout" skittering back to the now-even-longer women's line. As I was hurrying to the pavillion, I saw some friends coming toward me. One of them said, "Oh Zelda! You missed the Skylines! Where were you?"

Where, indeed.

18 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Use our shouwer or restroom when ever you want my dear. I'll make sure no one intrudes on you.

Madam Z said...

You are a prince among apes, Dr. Thank you!

pissed off patricia said...

Jeez, that sounds like something I would try.....and probably have the same results.

You are right on target with the differences in men and women and their shower time. I must have a man gene in me cause I can get that chore done in a few heart beats. Sure once in a while you have to deal with details, but not every damned day.

Creepy said...

Well said, Doc: women can use our showers or restrooms as long as you understand the situation and don't take your time in there.

And your 'friend' should be beaten with a sock full of pennies for not keeping those fellas out of your shower. When the shit hits the fan put your body in harms way, get "mad dog angry" as Clint Eastwood would say and if that doesn't scare everyone off use your rage to fight of the remainders.

Randal Graves said...

I've seen that here at work when the pipes to the women's bathroom are on the fritz, they'll use the men's and have a friend keep guard. Dudes have to go, they can head to the second floor. No harm, no foul.

Dr. Zaius said...

Bravo! I am immediately intrieged by any story that involves women showering.

electro-kevin said...

This is also on account of the fact that ladies can't pee standing up.

I blame the sisters for all of this.

Distributorcap said...

stadiums are the worse --- because almost all stadiums are designed by men

probably most buildings with bathrooms are designed by men

Madam Z said...

PoP, Yeah, the devil is in the details. But the older I get the less I care about those pesky things.

Creepy: Good point about the "mad dog angry" ploy. The older I get the angrier I get, and the less I care about indulging my rage.

Randall: Sounds like you work with some cool dudes.

Dr. Z: So you like stories about women showering, eh? Maybe I'll write one just for you...

E.K.: Oh, we CAN pee standing up, but we get our shoes wet.

DC: Okay, you're right. Almost everything is designed by men. But if men are so darned smart, why don't they make the women's bathrooms four times the size of the men's? And if showers are involved, why don't they station some good-looking guys at each stall to scrub our backs? That would hurry things along.

Ms Smack said...

hahaha i would have been standing right next to you soaping up my pink bits grinning at the fools when they came in.

D and D Ball, same thing. I went for a wee in the boys. All this satin and taffeta queuing outside after a belly full of cocktails? I don't fuckin' think so. The boys are pissing standing up leaving a perfectly good cubicle there for Miss Smack and her 5 closest girlies who were waiting outside giggling like we were still in year ten.

'OH MY GOD' I can't believe you did that, as they rushed past me to follow suit.

GOOD ON YA! Most aussie blokes wouldn't give a toss! :)

Josh said...

Yeah, I'm with Ms Smack. on this. Most Aussie blokes could not care.

I have been to plenty of pubs or clubs where it is a free for all.

I had a funny moment one night when a chick came into the guys lav. One tool at the urinal turned around a made some comment like "looking for this?" with dick in hand.

Without missing a beat she said, "nah, that's not big enough but I like his.." pointing to another bloke. I nearly hosed my shoes I was laughing so hard.

Madam Z said...

Smackie and Josh, I want to move to Australia so bad! You all seem so relaxed in your bodies. Josh, I'm going to try to remember that chick's retort, next time I have to use the boys' lav.

Ms Smack said...

Madam Z, us Aussies are known for being very laid back and easy going. We might get terse, fiery etc, but it's very much a mantra of 'it'll be okay' and get on with it.

DCup said...

Good for you for trying! I once got in trouble in 7th grade for going into the boy's bathroom on a dare.

And I didn't even have to go to the bathroom.

legfellow said...

In the summer, the rest stops on the Garden State Parkway (NJ) have the same situation -- long, long lines to the ladies room while the men fly through. One time, while doing my business in the mens room, a mob of women barreled in, the leader shouting, "The last two stalls are ours, anybody got anything to say?" No one did, but I did notice that every woman that passed glanced over to the urinals, which were unencumbered by modesty panels.

I'm all for co-ed rest rooms.

Madam Z said...

dcup, I would be surprised to hear that you had NOT ever done something like that. :-)

Legfellow, I love your story! That leader of the pack had balls, no matter what her gender.

Now, it's time to start posting on your blog, mister. It's been sitting there, unattended, since 9/12/07 (which was my birthday, btw). Get crackin!

legfellow said...

Thanks for the reminder, Z. I have slacked off, but it is still my intention to stock that blog with photos of beautiful legs, which, according to Pete in Z-Rated (speaking of unattended blogs), you have.

Got a pic for me to start it off?

Madam Z said...

Legfellow,

Hmmmm....I just might have a photo of my magnificent stems lying around here somewhere...