Monday, February 25, 2008


Okay, all you frustrated dieters out there. Here's the answer to your prayers. Just swallow a few "sanitized TAPE WORMS" and you can eat to your heart's content. Your squirmy little friends will gobble up that cake and ice cream, those greasy burgers and fries, the extra-cheese-and-sausage pizza and everything else you shovel down your gaping maw. Of course, the devious little devils will grow a LOT over time, but YOU will shrink, so not to worry. Place your order now!

Okay, now that you've shrunk down to your desired size,
you can indulge in that treat you've always wanted: LARD! You can have buckets of lard! Gallons of lard! Lardy, Lardy! Lard have mercy! I feel a gigantic orgasm coming on, just thinking about it! Of course, that cute guy in those sexy swim trucks doesn't hurt, either. Mmmm, mmm, good. Oily, slippery, sliding, in...out, in...out... Oh, wait, where was I?




8 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Why are you worried about this, Madam Tall and Willowy? Are you trying to tell us you're really a fat ass? You should ask the guy first before covering yourself in lard, he may prefer whipped cream.

Madam Z said...

Dear Mr. Bananas: I fear you have misinterpreted my concern. *I* am most certainly "tall and willowy." (Well, "tall" is relative, isn't it? I am considerably taller than your average pygmy, but not nearly as tall as a Masai warrior.)

And thanks for your suggestion about asking the guy first. Why waste perfectly good lard, if he would prefer another form of animal fat?

DCup said...

I may go for those tapeworms, but can I pass on the lard?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Mmmm, lard.

Randal Graves said...

Lard can easily be replaced with anything containing high fructose corn syrup. Which these days, is everything, so you don't have to change your eating habits one iota after the tapeworm goes to town. Yum!

Effortlessly Average said...

Well if that were true, you'd think I'd get more women wanting to eat me, my being practically made of lard an' all.

fingers said...

How does fat manage to look so good on a rasher of bacon yet so bad on a chick's ass...

Madam Z said...

dcup: Sorry, honey. It's a package deal.

dr. monkey: It's good AND good for you!

randal: Sorry to disappoint you, but NOTHING can replace lard. You can, however mix lard and high-fructose corn syrup, freeze it, and have a tasty dish of hillbilly ice cream.

e.a.: Have you checked out hillbilly cannibal women?

fingers: How does fat look "so bad on a chick's ass" and even worse on a guy's belly?