Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I was just now reading DCup's post about vaginas and how we are made to think that they "should" look a certain way. It reminded me of this short story (true and autobiographical) I wrote recently. Here it is...

Hanging Out

Whenever my family visited Grandma Willis’ house, I chose to hang out with Grandma and Mom instead of my younger sisters and assorted cousins. Apparently, my status as the oldest grandchild made this scenario acceptable. I usually sat quietly, with my mouth shut and my ears wide open, as Mom and Grandma talked and laughed. Their stories were much more interesting than anything my peer group had to say.

One day, when I was about eleven years old, the conversation turned to the subject of masturbation, a word that was new to me. I had no idea what they were talking about, but it sounded naughty, so I paid attention. Then Mom started telling G. about something my Dad had told her, which involved me. He told her that he had seen me taking a bath and had noticed that my inner labia protruded. That indicated to him that I masturbated, and he was shocked and horrified. Mom, of course, thought that idea was not only preposterous, but also very funny. Zelda would never do anything like that! So she and Grandma were laughing about how silly and amusing it was that Daddy would think that about me. Of course, I laughed along with them, since I wanted to seem like one of the girls. Then I asked Mom, “What does ‘masturbate’ mean?”

She turned to me, with a slight frown, and said, “It means to play with yourself.”

At that point, I must have turned bright red, and her frown grew fearsome as she said, “You don’t, do you?”

“No, no, never, uh-uh.” I felt like my face was going to melt off of my skull.

Grandma kept quiet as Mom continued to give me the evil eye, but with no more to go on, she changed the subject and pretty soon we were all laughing again, about something else my funny Daddy had said or done.


Utah Savage said...

Off topic, and I will come back a read and comment, but....

Dcup and I are putting together a book called Deadly Women. It's a collection of short stories written by women with a love of writing, and the experience and imagination to write a short story about a woman who murders a husband or lover or some man who deserves to be, needs to be, murdered. I like the stories of women who get away with it, but that's just me. If you''d like to join in this venture, email me. Go to my profile and send me a little email with your stated intentions. Who knows, maybe you already have such a story just waiting to be published. In three days we have three stories. We need ten. Get back to me as soon as possible,
Start your engines, ladies. We're off to the races

Utah Savage said...

The second collection will be erotica, your metier.

Anonymous said...

Great story about your interesting family background. The idea that my dad had even thought of my vagina would have made me completely skeezed out, but that's just how I am about my dad.

The one thing I've tried to convey to my kids is that touching themselves is okay in the appropriate location.

Montgomery Maxton said...

my sister walked in on me once. i was 25! never did i spend summers at home again.

Madam Z said...

utah: Ready, set, go!

utah 2: My metier is running!

dcup: I am "skeezed out" by it too. As much as I loved my daddy, I recognize now that he had an inappropriate amount of interest in genitals, no matter whose they were.

J Morgetron said...

“'No, no, never, uh-uh.' I felt like my face was going to melt off of my skull."

LOL. Yeah. That's what I would've said too.

The following are also LOLS in this story:

1. Your dad's theory about your protruding labia -- sort of like when they used to tell boys that their hand would grow hair if they touched their wee-wees. Hahaha

2. You grandma and your mom were just hanging out talking about masturbation.

3. An easy topic of humor always seems to be -- THE DAD.

I like-ah your blog-ah and your profile picture is extra perty.


Dr. Zaius said...

***ewwwww*** Creepy grandma story...

electro-kevin said...

It must have been very embarassing for you as a child.

I started at about 10. In fact I was such a randy little bugger that I was always looking at the lingerie section of my mum's home shopping catalogues.

Grant Miller said...

Thank god I never have to go through terribly awkward conversations like that with my folks anymore.