Monday, June 30, 2008

Oy Gevalt! The Heat! The Humidity!
I am dripping with sweat. I feel like I am suspended inside the lid of a cooking pot, but I’m just sitting at my computer in my den, where the temperature is 95 degrees, and the humidity is hovering at about 90%. I hate humidity. I hate heat. I especially hate heat when it’s accompanied by humidity, and vice versa. Why am I being punished like this? Maybe I’m in Hell, and just don’t remember dying. One thing for sure is that if I’m not dead yet, I will be soon, if it doesn’t cool off in here. That may be a slight exaggeration. I should have said that I’d soon wish for death if it doesn’t cool off in here. But then, if it turns out that I’m not dead yet, and therefore not in Hell, if I were to die now, and go to Hell, chances are that it would be even hotter there; probably more humid too. That may not be true, though, because if it were any more humid than it is in this room, it would have to be raining, and I don’t think it rains in Hell. If it did, it might put out the fires, and what kind of Hell would that be, with no fire? It would be hellaciously steamy for a while, though. That would be dreadful, but eventually the steam would condense, and there would be puddles, and then lakes and rivers. The River Styx would overflow its banks. Then the mystified, damned souls might drown, but since they’re already dead, that shouldn’t be a problem. Eventually, as the water receded, plants would grow, and in a few short millennia, the whole place would look like a tropical forest. There would be exotic flowers, colorful parrots, and luscious fruit hanging from low branches…

Wait a minute. This is starting to sound more like Heaven than Hell, or maybe the Garden of Eden.
I doubt if an apple tree could grow in that kind of climate, though. However, that would be a good thing. If there were no apple tree to tempt Eve, then the wrath of God would not be visited upon this new territory, and maybe there wouldn’t be a need for Hell.

Now that I’ve thought this whole thing through, I see that the heat and humidity in here might not be so bad, after all. Maybe an orchid will spring from the puddle of sweat forming on my chair. The cold lemonade I am about to drink will taste extra good. And all I really have to do to feel better, is to think of how I felt six months ago, when I was sitting here shivering, with ice-cold hands and feet, cursing winter, and wishing for summer.


Dr. Zaius said...

ick! Don't you have air conditioning? Gardening in your own perspiration is nice and all, but Central Air is a slice of heaven!

DCup said...

That is some excellent creative writing.

electro-kevin said...

I hate the heat too.

We're all supposed to like it "Isn't it great ? The sun is beating down." Er - no.

It means all the grass goes brown and the plants die and that you can't move for the stifling heat.

You think you're going to hell, Madam Z ?

Why ever so ? Have you been a naughty girl ?

Madam Z said...

dr. z: "Central Air?" Surely you jest! I am an Amazon! I can take the heat, as long as I am permitted to complain endlessly about it.

dcup: You are too kind. (Blush)

ek: Of course I am going to hell! I would have it no other way, since all my friends will be there too. And yes, I am, have been, and will continue to be a "naughty girl."

One Man’s Opinion said...

Like Dr. Z said, "don't you have air conditioning?" Damn woman, get up and turn that mother up. LOL.

I prefare the heat to the cold all day long. The heat allows me to roam around naked. LOL

I don't think there will be humidity in Hell. Maybe there will be, but only for you...since you dislike it so much.....

Madam Z said...

OMO, you don't understand! Hubby and I are exceedingly thrifty! A/C would require the expenditure of money! He is comfortable roaming around naked, as you suggest, but I am a shy flower and wouldn't dare. And damn! What you say about the possibility of "humidity in hell...because I dislike it so much" really scares me. I'd better start pretending to like it.
Thanks for the tip!

S E E Quine said...

` This is why the Pacific Northwest will always be my home from now on! Plebbbbtbtbtbtbt!
` And we don't have central air up here because we don't need it! But yet it's sunny every single day from July to October, excepting some occasional drizzle to perk up the grass.

` Sorry, don't mean to be sadistic!