The Truth, the Whole Truth, Induced by Self-Coercion
My uncle once: Was so drunk that he let me drive the car from L.A. to Arizona, even though I was only 14 and didn’t know how to drive.
Never in my life: Have I committed suicide.
When I was five: I was ready to quit Kindergarten after the first day, because I was so disgusted that I hadn’t been taught to read and to type.
High school was: Okay, except for Phys Ed, which was one long lesson in humiliation and shame.
I will never forget: The day I finally got the courage to jump out of a swing while it was in motion, on the high upward arc. I was 25 years old.
Once I met: John Wayne. I was 11 years old and was with my mother in a liquor store in Pomona, CA. She was buying cigarettes and chatting with the proprietor. I was perusing the rack of paperback novels, especially the ones with naughty pictures on the covers. John Wayne walked in and went to the counter. Mom and the shopkeeper were electrified. They started talking. I picked out the book with the naughtiest cover and took it to the counter. Without showing the book, I interrupted the adults and asked Mom if she would buy me the book. She said no. I started whining, and Mr. Movie Star said, “I’ll buy you a book. Which one do you want?” I placed the book on the counter and all three adults gasped. Mom said, “You can’t have that!” Mr. Movie Star grabbed his cigarettes and exited the store. We left shortly after. Mom was angry with me for the rest of the day.
Once at a bar: I was trying to act more sophisticated than I was and drank TWO WHOLE Guinness Stouts. I was so drunk that my friends confiscated my keys and drove me home.
By noon I’m usually: Up, showered, dressed and ready for a nap.
Last night: I thought briefly about setting the clocks back an hour, but wasn’t able to hold the thought long enough to actually do it.
If I only had: A heart, some courage and a brain, maybe I could be sympathetic, brave and smart.
Next time I go to church: I will tell the congregation to go home, because god is dead.
What worries me most: No attempt at humor here. I worry most about the possibility of World War.
You’ll know I’m lying when: I say I’m not worried.
What I miss most about the 80’s is: Being able to dance for hours on end. To illustrate how totally “hip” I was…my absolutely favorite dance was the Polish Hop (a particularly vigorous form of Polka).
If I were a character in Shakespeare: I’d be fictitious and talk funny.
A better name for me would be: Esmeralda
I have a hard time understanding: Particle physics.
If I ever go back to school: Please kidnap me and lock me up until I come back to my senses!
You know I like you if: I tell you more about myself than you want to know.
Take my advice, never: Walk down a dark alley at night, while you’re naked and drunk.
My ideal breakfast is: Fresh blueberry muffins and hot cocoa, served to me in bed, by a guy who looks like Rocky I, wearing his “wife-beater” t-shirt.
If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: Carry a gun.
Why won’t people: Stop blowing each other up!
The world could do without: Talk radio.
I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Shake hands with Dick Cheney.
My favorite blonds are: Fat and homely.
If I do anything well, it’s: Bitch and moan.
And, by the way: I saw what you were doing last night.