Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I'm Here to Help
I had originally planned to write on the subject of how to insure world peace while restoring the stock market and curing the common cold. But then I came down with this really bad cold, caused by my lowered resistance brought about by worrying about world war and the lousy stock market. So I decided to talk some more about the still timely subject of New Year’s resolutions, instead.

My mind is fairly boiling with ideas of how other people could and should improve their lives. It’s much easier to make resolutions for other people, than for myself. I am hereby starting "Madam Z’s Resolution Counseling Service." Some of you folks out there in the blogosphere could give me a little encouragement by asking what I would recommend for you. Don’t worry about me being too harsh. I probably wouldn’t tell you anything that you haven’t already heard from your mother or your spouse. But it would probably be easier for you to accept advice from a disinterested third-party.

Come to think of it, my Resolution Counseling Service, if successful, could help me achieve one of my personal goals for 2009: “Make some extra money without doing any tedious extra work.” I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t that type of service a bit too seasonal? After all, New Years’ resolutions are typically made only on January 1 of each year.” This shows how much you need my help in devising creative solutions to your inadequacies. You see, a new “New Year” could begin on any day, and end 365 days later! The resolutions you made on January 1, and broke on January 8, can be discarded and re-thought. Just return to my blog, and for a small consultation fee (PayPal accepted), I will help you come up with more realistic goals. For instance, your January 1 vow to never eat, or even think about eating, another piece of chocolate as long as you live was a bit too ambitious. So let’s start over. It’s January 13, the first day of the new, New Year - 1/13/09 through1/12/10. Let’s modify that resolution: “I solemnly vow to never, ever eat so much chocolate that I throw up.” Now that’s a promise that most of us could keep.

Let’s move on to the more lofty goals. Most of us have, at one time or another, or many times and another, resolved to lose weight in the coming year. Consider how negative that sounds! Lose weight? Do you really want to lose? Lose is what we do in the stock market! Lose is what we do to our car keys in a crowded mall. No! We should resolve to gain! Resolve to gain weight in the coming year! Think of the satisfaction when you step on the scale one year from today and find that you have actually gained something. Your 401(k) is emaciated, but you have another solid ten pounds on your belly. Now that’s putting something away for the future.

How about smoking? Have you promised yourself you would quit smoking this year? Again, a negative approach. Do you want to be a quitter? No! Be a starter. Start each day with a brand new cigarette. Light up! Make that stogie glow! With your 401(k) in the dumpster, you can’t afford to live past retirement anyway. You see? Setting realistic goals is practical and satisfying.

To prove to you that I practice what I preach, I’ll show you my own brand new resolution:
I hereby resolve to start my new Resolution Advisory Service sometime in the next year, at some arbitrary date, yet to be determined. Watch for the announcement in a future post. You guys need my help.


Andrus said...

Ha :)

Dear Z, if you ever need inspiration what kinds of pre-counseling resolutions people make check out Pledgehammer. It's a website that makes resolutions easy to share and increases your motivation to stick to them, with a charitable touch.

So far no-one has pledged to gain weight or start smoking yet. I guess it's been too little time from this blog post.

fingers said...

You evil byatch, Z.
I've been running my 'Other Peoples NY Resolution' ( or 'What I Hate About You Most, You C*nt')game for 3 years and now you've stolen my thunder...

Randal Graves said...

So how much is this going to cost? I can't go more than a dime per session.

Harry said...

Hey Z,

Lucy Van Pelt has been doing this for 40 years and she still only gets 5 cents. Take Mr. Graves dime and you're in business. Heck go ahead and sign me up too. I resolve to Paypal you a quarter.

Lisa said...

You do make some very good points about the futility of longevity....you know I need help. Are you part of the barter system?

Madam Z said...

Andrus: I checked out "Pledgehammer." It's fun.

fingers: KA-BOOM!!!

Randall: Okay, you little cheapskate. You are S.O.L.! The sessions are 11 cents each.

Harry: Hey, Big Spender! YOU get 2 and 3/25 sessions!

Lisa: Barter system? Why not? If you redesign my blog header and tell me how to made my text go all across the page, instead of a narrow column, you can have one counseling session. What do you say?

Anonymous said...

Okay Z... I'm in. I'll shoot some resolution work your way, if and when I need some done. I've been looking for a resolution counseling service for quite some time since my personal spiritualist learned I was an atheist and had no soul.

Cunning_Linguist said...

I was going to totally quit smoking, over eating and those cheap buy one get one free hookers but then I remembered something.... my old man would be pissed if I turned into a quitter all of the sudden.

Can I resolve to pick up new bad habits that I didn't have before?

Ms Smack said...

I wonder what male hookers are like. Are they bi? I don't do bi-men. Maybe I should make a new years resolution to find a funky, male hooker that can bang me like the front door.

Madam Z said...

Spartacus: Hey! Who said soul-less atheists can't make resolutions? Your former advisor has her head up her ass! I, on the other hand, have my head held high and am ready to counsel all comers.

Cunning: Of course you can resolve to pick up new bad habits! Bad habits are the most fun. And who's to say what's bad and what's good, anyway? Mdm Z's motto is, "If it feels good, resolve to do it more often!"

Ms. Smack: I don't "do bi-men" either. Eeeeww! However, I might do "two men" if the opportunity presented itself. Perhaps I should look into Cunning's "two for the price of one" (male) hooker service.