Wednesday, April 08, 2009

If Only...
I'm feeling regretful tonight. I keep thinking of all the things I did that I shouldn't have done and all the things I didn't do that I should have. There is no bigger waste of time and energy than dwelling on the past, yet I can't seem to let it go. My son told me recently that I talk more about the past than anyone he knows. I think (hope) that I don't carry on about my sundry regrets when I'm talking to my kids. I think (hope) that I just tell them stories about my childhood and young adulthood, some of which are amusing, and some are depressing, but interesting (I think and hope). I also enjoy relating anecdotes about their childhoods, which I find amusing, but are met with grim expressions, eye-rolling, and "Please, Mom, not again!"

As for the regrets, I am playing with the idea of developing some sort of ritual that will help me purge myself of them, once and for all. Maybe I could write them down on post-it notes, one per page, and then ball up the page, one at a time, and burn them. Or flush them down the toilet, one whole flush for each note. I'll need a mental acknowledgement and reinforcement of the act. Perhaps a spoken affirmation of the purge and the resulting freedom from guilt - a little mantra I can recite with each flush or flame.
Okay, I'm going to work on it now. I'll let you know how it goes...

4 comments:

breezmister said...

Guilt can mess with your head, do what you have to do, then let it go, let it pass over you and move on..... I know that is easier said then do, but if I can do it, so can you

Bill Stankus said...

Let me know if you succeed... some of us have too many ghosts.

Personally, I don't believe in "closure".

People who pop off with cliches about letting go of the past apparently don't have or never experienced real demons.

Lisa said...

I've considered the ritual idea especially with a receipt for the Holland Tunnel from last year.

I don't know about closure. If it exists, I suck at it. I'm better with denial, I think.

I hope you find something that works for you. But don't forget - some of those regrets are great material from which to draw in your writing. I know you know that. Shutting up now.

fingers said...

Bill's right, Z.
If you don't have baggage it probably just means you've never been anywhere and if you don't have regrets it almost certainly means you're a know-it-all c*nt.
Christ, it was all so much better living in the past back in my day...