Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It's Right Where I Left It, Wherever That Is
Don't ever ask me to watch your children, feed your dog while you're away, or hold your purse while you go to the bathroom. I can't be trusted. I have the attention span of a gnat and the short-term memory of a lump of clay. I would blame it on early senility, but I've been this way as long as I can remember (my long-term memory is okay, I think, but I'm not sure).

I have misplaced and/or lost countless items over the years. Purses and keys have been the victims in most of my mishaps. When I was a teenager, I once left my purse on the front bumper of my Dad's pickup, as we were preparing to drive into town. Miraculously, it was still there when we parked, seven miles later. I was not so lucky the time I left the same purse on the hood of a stranger's car in a school parking lot, while I chatted with a friend. I never saw the purse, the car, or my friend again.

I have absentmindedly abandoned my key ring in a breathtaking variety of inappropriate places. Perhaps the worst was HANGING IN THE CAR DOOR LOCK, while I toodled off to the pizza parlor for a couple of hours of eating, drinking and being merry. I didn't even realize they were missing until I was walking back to the car, looking frantically for them in my purse and pockets, wondering if I could break a window to get into the car. I was both relieved and chagrined to see them in the lock. I'm glad it was an old car, or I would have had to walk home, for sure. And then I'd have had to break the house window to get in.

I must admit that my sense of humor was not well enough developed back then to find these events amusing. Now I just say, "What the hell. You might as well laugh." So, just imagine the merriment that ensued yesterday, at the local farmers' market. I never carry a purse anymore, preferring to stow my wallet safely in my jeans' front, right pocket. So, after each purchase, I put my wallet back into my pocket, pick up my bag of produce and proceed to the next stand. I periodically pat my pocket to be sure the wallet is, indeed, in there. So, there I was, at the largest stand, surrounded by several impatient shoppers, all jockeying for position. I paid for my bags of brocolli, bananas and apples, arranged the bags on my left arm, and turned away from the stand. I patted my right pocket, checking for the wallet. It wasn't there! I tried to stay calm, checking all the other pockets. Nothing. I pushed my way back to the produce counter, and frantically looked through all the fruits and vegetables in the area I had been standing, all the while thinking that someone had stolen the damn thing and was at this very moment using my credit card to buy a new car. I called to the clerk and asked her if she had seen a small, brown wallet anywhere in the vicinity.

"You mean that one in your hand?"

There it was, in my LEFT hand, which I had thought was completely occupied by nothing but the plastic bags. Apparently, the look on my face was amusing, because the clerk started laughing. I was so relieved, that I started laughing too. And you know what? I'm laughing right now, just thinking about it.


Lisa said...

Yeesh! I am bad for leaving the key in the lock! Glad it turned out alright!

Lad Litter said...

Panic then relief: there's nothing quite like it.

gary said...

ROTFLMAO I need that today, now I know I'm not alone in the world when it comes to things like finding my glasses, when they are on my nose

Lorna Lilo said...

I'm usually not too bad on the memory stuff except when I'm stark naked eating mangoes with a ... oh damn I've forgotten what I was going to say.

Montgomery Maxton said...

A few weeks ago my boyfriend was talking to his mom and his cell phone. He was making a bunch of noise and she said "what the hell are you doing?" and he said "I'm looking for my phone." She said "then what the hell are you talking to me with?"


@eloh said...

About two weeks ago I had to show my daughter how to kick in our front door, I pulled it shut right after laying down my purse and keys, then pulled to door closed to keep the stupid cat in so my brain "forgot" about how the door has functioned for the last 15 years.

Once I apologised to a clerk for the messy check writing because I could not find one pair of glasses before I left home....she timidly pointed to my head, where I was wearing (5) FIVE pairs of glasses like a giant headband.

I qualify as a nasty sister, per your blog.

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