Monday, December 07, 2009

A New Script for Johnny and Me
Zelda: But Johnny, I'm so much older than you, you can't really want me to go to bed with you, can you?
Johnny: Zelda, I have waited for you since I was Edward Scissorhands. I saw you in the audience and knew that you were the woman that could heal me. My soul was tortured. I was only half a man. But I could tell that you were not attracted to me then. Perhaps it was the hands that put you off. But when I made the movie "Chocolat," I thought of you again, and made sure that the movie would be shown in Lancaster, at a discount theater, so you would go see it. I watched you from the balcony as your eyes rolled back in your head during the love scenes.
Then I did some research on you and discovered that you have a secret fascination with pirates. So I persuaded the studio to make a quick movie based on the Disneyland feature, "Pirates of the Caribbean." There wasn't time to create a whole new story...after all, you were getting older by the minute. And I knew you'd love Jack Sparrow.
Zelda: Oh yes, Johnny! From the moment I saw Captain Jack, I knew I would walk the plank for him. He could harpoon me anytime. And when you, I mean Jack, kissed the leading lady - OMIGOD! It was so sensuous, so lascivious. I gave up my treasure right there in the theater!
Johnny: Ah-ha! My gamble paid off! And what did you think of the sequel, my dear?

Zelda: Well, Johnny, to tell you the truth, it was a bit tedious. And you weren't on the screen as much as that hideous octupus-thingy. So I had to go home afterwards and watch my taped version of "Chocolat" to re-kindle my Depp-lust. But now, you're here and...and...wait - I can't! I'm married, and're just saying all of this because you know I'm the president of your fan club, aren't you?
Johnny: What?? Of course not! I'm in love with you because you're one of the famous "Harbinger 33" authors. I've read your writing and am captivated by it. Also, I'm hoping you'll introduce me to Sugar. I hear you and she are always fighting over Harry, so I'll give him some competition.
Zelda: I don't know, Johnny. With my luck, you and Harry will be fighting over Sugar and I'll be deep-sixed. Though it breaks my heart, I must send you back to the video store. Arrrrrr...


Bill Stankus said...

I'm beginning to believe J Depp fantasies are the same as fantasies with Mr. Bob the hairdresser or the small guy on stage in tights at the ballet or a horse racing jockey.

A younger (contemporary) Jeremiah Johnson or Bullitt I can understand. But Depp? He's only 5 ft. 8 inches tall and falls over when it's breezy.

But I like your story. However, you would KILL him (or minimally break him in littler pieces).

Absolutely*Kate said...

Oh Johnny! Oh Zelda! Oh "Depp-lust" as a 33'pointer to fathom desire's splash and plunge the more! Oh how this Harbingers well . . . the lusty lascivious one and the piratical sex god of the sea. Hi diddle dee dee, and actor's life for the script of Z!

Author! Author!
Curtain and Mains'l rises . . . again and again.

And to think ~ I knew her when ... the very first Harbinger*33 set its sails on success ... Shiver those timbres, take all prisoners ... you are woman AND scriptwriter ... ROAR fan-aticool piratical, ROARRRR.

~ Captain Kate of the mighty Harbinger*33, smiling at the sweet Sugar and hot Harry antics yet to interlude ... as well as the Bill Stankus comment towards Jeremiah Johnson ... ahhhh Sundance! ahhh Butch!

Montgomery Maxton said...


Harry said...

You and your scurvy band are free to roam the Carribean with liberty Depp, but you'd be ill advised to drift yer barge north of Key West!

Very funny Madam Z!

Shoogs said...

I learned to share in Kindergarten. ;)
We'll talk...

fingers said...

Hehehehehe...very good, Z.
Do they make Harleys for chicks going through their middle-aged crises...

Ms Smack said...

Hey gorgeous!

How are you?

Merry Christmas!