Sunday, August 08, 2010

A Night in the Life of an Art-loving, Claustrophobic Nymphomaniac

There were only a few people in the art gallery when I first entered. I was able to peruse the paintings in peace, with no one brushing against me or breathing on me. I moved slowly down the corridor, crossing the aisle when anyone came too close. But gradually, more and more people entered the room, sucking up the oxygen, raising the temperature, and talking, talking, talking incessantly. I felt the nerves along my spine start to quiver. I tried to rein in my rising discomfort, but as more and more bodies pressed in around me, I began to feel breathless and anxious. It would be only a matter of time before someone actually would touch me and I knew I would lose control if that happened. I tried to breathe deeply and relax, but it felt like there was no air left in the room. I had to get out, but how? I was surrounded by people. There was no clear path to the exit. I looked around frantically, trying to find an opening between any two bodies that I could slip through, without touching anyone, hoping desperately that one clear path would lead to another and I could carefully zig-zag my way to the door. It was getting hotter by the minute and I was sweating and shaking.

Just then, I realized that I was standing right next to a man who looked just like Johnny Depp, but with a great build. He was wearing tight pants and an Italian-style shirt, open at the collar. In a flash of inspiration, I realized that pressing against him wouldn't be intimidating at all. In fact, it seemed like a really good idea. I caught his eye and brushed against him, saying, "Excuse me, Mr. Depp." He said, "No problemo, signorina," and embraced me. I swooned in his arms. The crowd parted, as he carried me outside, into the cool, moonlit night.

11 comments:

Bukowski's Basement said...

I don't usually like art show but THAT one sounds like it coulda been ... fun.

Gorilla Bananas said...

From claustrophia to lust! I wonder if that could really happen.

Lisa said...

What a lovely cure for what ailed you.

Lad Litter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lad Litter said...

Will there be a next episode or did it end with a tasteful dissolve, like in the movies?

Will said...

Exactly why I stopped going to art galleries.

Harry said...

Claustrophobia and nymphomania on gallery display, cured in one fell swoop by swarthily clad Johnny Depp scam-artist.

Jeanette Cheezum said...

"Z" you are such a hoot!

Jodi MacArthur said...

Now, that's one heck of a title. And my goodness, an almost like Johnny Depp but with a bigger chest and tight pants with an Italian shirt carrying one into the moonlight is enough to make a girl wish to be a Art-loving, Claustrophobic Nymphomaniac.

You're so great,Z!

Ms Smack said...

Do you think that the gap in Vanessa P's teeth makes her more endearing to Mr Depp?

I wonder..

I recently saw a letter from Tim Burton, to Depp about Willy Wonka.

I was quite enthralled at their hand-writing - an original piece!

xx

Madam Z said...

Thank you for your kind komments, everyone. Now I'm going to make a new post, only one week after this one! I am so industrious!