Saturday, March 19, 2011

Marital Bliss - A Fairy Tale in one act

Scene 1 - A living room in a modest home in Lancaster, PA. A middle-aged man and woman are standing in the middle of the room, looking agitated.

Man: Cut your goddamn hair! You look like a hag!

Woman: No! I like my hair long.

Man: Well...fine! Go live in Hagerstown, with all the other hags.

Woman: If you're going to insist on insulting me, I'm going to stop holding back and start telling YOU to cut your goddman POT BELLY!

Man: I don't have a pot belly!

Woman: Yes, you do! Why don't you go live in Pottstown? You'd fit right in.

Man: Wait...this isn't fun. Let's be nice to each other.

Woman: Yeah, I agree. You leave me alone about my hair, and I won't mention your gut. Okay?

Man: Okay. But I really do wish you'd cut your hair.

Woman: Yeah? Well, I really do wish you'd shut the fuck up about my hair!

Man: Stop yelling at me!

Woman: I'm not yelling!..................Okay, I guess I did yell just then, but it's because you drive me crazy!

Man: You ARE crazy!

Woman: So are you!

(Man leaves room, slams door behind him.)

Woman (yelling): Come back here, you coward!


Scene 2: Woman goes into bathroom and looks in the mirror.

Woman: Shit! I DO look like a hag. But it's not because of my hair. It's because I'm fucking old! He just thinks it's because of my hair, because I had short hair when we first met. But he had a flat stomach back then, too. Well, I'm not cutting my hair, no matter what. I want it to get so long that I could wrap it around my neck and hang myself with it, like Rapunzel did to her stepmother. But before I do that, I could experiment with pulling it back really tight, and see if it would smooth out the wrinkles in my haggy, old face.

(Bathroom door opens. Man peeks in...)

Man: Honey...I'm sorry. I won't say anything more about your hair, if you don't say anything about my gut.

Woman: Gut? What gut? You look great, Sweetie-pie.

Man: So do you, Baby Doll.

( Hugs...kisses...)

And they lived happily ever after.


Harry said...

All's well that ends well. Sweet!

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you should send this play to marriage counselors, Madam Z, I'm sure it would save a lot of couples from divorce. I prefer Hagsville to Hagertown, but that is a minor point.


Well thank the lucky stars which smile over unfractured fairy tales that he's not from Pricksburg.

Mirror, mirror
on the bathroom wall
Madame Z tells a tale
best of all
right to the tip
of her protagonist's roots
of the matter.

~ Absolutely*Kate,
still smiling at "Gut, what gut?"

Madam Z said...

Actually, he IS from "Pricksburg!"

P.S. I love your poem. :)

Bukowski's Basement said...

"Yeah? Well, I really do wish you'd shut the fuck up about my hair!"

Hilarious ... And just when were you a fly on MY wall? Just kidding ... Nice one!

PS (Sorry I haven't been around much lately. Been in the writing and [movie-watching] cave.)

Madam Z said...

No apology necessary, Anthony. I knew you were in the "cave," because I am a fly on your wall! :)


( which gives "What's the buzzz" a whole new swing )

Randal Graves said...


fingers said...

Z, that was uterly, utterly very clever...