The inimitable, incomparable Captain Smack commented on my previous post:

" Talk about walking on the wild side, it's a wonder you're still with us. Everyone knows those 30-something Japanese folk dancer types are worse than the Hell's Angels on a month-long meth bender."

Fortunately, the Captain's satire is warranted. Shigeki taught me a lot about foreplay, but never pried my legs apart.

Armando, on the other hand, got to first, second and third base, but didn't quite score. Armando was a perpetually horny (boner, 24/7), nineteen year-old Mexican guy I met at school. On the first date, he taught me how to kiss (apparently Shigeki had it all wrong). "No, not like that! You're supposed to lift up your tongue and let the guy play around under it." I followed orders and passed muster. The second date consisted of us necking madly in the back yard, doing everything but the big "F". Then, the fateful third encounter. We were with my sister and her boyfriend, eating pizza at a cafe down the street from my apartment. Armando said he was having a party in his home (he lived with his parents) that evening and invited us three to join him. J. and her BF looked at each other skeptically and declined. But I, chronically shy and unpopular, was eager to go to my first real party. So Armando and I headed off for his place. Now add the words "naive and dumb" to my self-description. When we got to his house, there were no lights on inside and the front door was locked. Armando explained that his parents always went to bed early, and we shouldn't wake them, so we could just climb in his bedroom window! I did think that was an odd way to have a party, but I was reluctant to abandon the idea, so in I went, with his help. He told me to be quiet, so we wouldn't wake his parents. The next thing I knew, we were on his bed, with both of us pantsless. I had never seen a man's erect penis before, so naturally, it was the biggest penis I had ever seen. It was terrifying. And then he tried to insert Tab B into Slot a. It hurt so badly that I passed out. When I came to, he was fanning me and apologizing, assuring me that he hadn't penetrated. He offered to "massage" my aching twat, but I declined. I said I wanted to go home, so we climbed back out the window and he walked me home. That was the last time I accepted an invitation to a "party," until I was an adult.

And, in case you're wondering, his is still the biggest penis I've ever seen.