Wednesday, September 26, 2007

101 Things You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Me

1. I’m grouchy in the morning.



2. I’m often grouchy in the afternoon.


3. I’m seldom grouchy in the evening, unless someone persists in irritating me.


4. I dislike the color blue, probably because my little sister Julie had blue eyes and everyone was always saying how pretty she was, and I had brown eyes and no one ever said how pretty I was.

5. Now I have green eyes and I’m very pretty.
6. My favorite color is red-orange and I have red-orange hair. It is very pretty.







7. When I was a little girl, my dad said that I ran like a turkey. Is that good or bad?.


8. Now I run like a gazelle. Okay, maybe a gazelle with three legs…


9. When I was sixteen, my dad said that I played the piano like I had lint in my navel. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t a compliment.


10. Now my navel is lint-free.


11. I lived in foster homes, off and on, from age 4 to 9. It sucked.


12. My mother was married five times. She was divorced once. That was before record keeping was computerized.


13. I have been married twice and divorced once, but not in that order.


14. I’ve changed my first name three times. I like the final one a lot and will stick with it. It starts with a “Z,” which is my favorite letter.


15. When I was 13 I attempted to throw a rotten watermelon from a moving car onto the steps of my junior high school, but it landed on the curb. Stupid watermelon.


16. When I was 14, I got really, really drunk on straight whiskey and puked my guts out for the next several hours. That was a long time ago and hasn’t happened since. I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid…or something like that.


17. I went to four different schools in fourth grade. That sucked.


18. My mother said that I was “a selfish brat,” just because I re-possessed the birthday gift that I had just given to my little sister. SHE WASN’T USING IT CORRECTLY, DARN IT!!


19. Actually, I really was a selfish brat. I still am. GET AWAY FROM MY CHOCOLATE!




20. I am an Atheist, goddamn it!

21. I pretend to be tolerant of religious nuts, but I think they’re stupid.

22. I think religious nuts should mind their own fucking business and stop trying to legislate morality.

23. I never use profanity except when it is warranted.

24. When I was 16, I necked with my high school History teacher. It was all his fault. He was too handsome.

25. When I was 26, I necked with my mother’s fourth husband. He was a good kisser, but a bad husband.

26. I have shoplifted. Twice. When I was 14, I stole a wallet. When I was 25, poor and powerless, I walked out of the store with a shiny, new extension cord. Really!

27. When I was 29, I went to a Halloween party, dressed as a tube of Crest toothpaste. My breath was minty fresh.

28. I know life isn’t fair, but why not? It’s not fair!

29. I would like to impose a worldwide, absolute law that would require a minimum age of 50 for any and all members of any and all military or pseudo-military groups. I’m pretty sure that would put the brakes on war.

30.I do not wish to listen to any popular music produced after 1985. It is not music.

31. I realize that I sound like my father when I say that.

32. The only sport I was ever good at is Poker. Make that “the only sport I didn’t SUCK AT was Poker.”

33. Yes, I do realize that I have 69 more things to come up with. Quit nagging me!

34. 69 is my favorite number.

35. It’s difficult to concentrate when I’m thinking of it, however.




36. Chimpanzees are my favorite animals, but I wouldn’t want to be one.



37. I like to dance to salsa music, especially when it’s hot and humid and the sweat pours down all my crevices.
38. Not that I have any more crevices than the next guy.


39. I lived in a boxcar for the first year of my life.

40. I liked it there, because I had no pesky little sisters yet.


41. I like to look at big, muscley men, but I don't want them to shave their bodies.
42. I went to a lowbrow Chippendale-style performance once. Those guys were so incredibly sexy; I was ready to tear their tiny little briefs right off of them! All of the women in the audience were hootin’ and hollerin’.


43. I wish I had a pair of ruby slippers.

44. I wish I could make myself invisible, at will. Oh...wait! You can't see me, can you?

45. I wish I were fluent in Spanish.

46. I’m glad I’m not a cannibal.

47. I’m glad I’m not pregnant.

48. I’m glad I’m almost half-done with this list.

49. When I was 29, I went white-water rafting on the Green River and our raft ran straight into a huge rock in the middle of the stream and I didn’t fall out of the raft, which was a good thing, because I can’t swim.

50. Once upon a time, I was nude-sunbathing on a small, rocky island in Lake Powell, thinking I was all alone, when a motor boat with several men came putt-putting up next to me. I just rolled over on my stomach and closed my eyes, willing them to go away. They did, eventually.

51. And then there was the time when I chased a bunch of armed hunters off of our farm, with nothing but my anger and a lot of profanity.

52. Two years ago I was in Italy, and I found my own way from Assisi to the Tiemplo di Minerva, using only my steely-eyed determination and 12 words of Italian.



53. I wish I were fluent in Italian.



54. I wish I could make love to one of the gondoliers in Venice.



55. I wish I could make love to that glassblower in the glass factory I visited in Murano. He was a big, muscley man.
56. I was proud of myself when I made it to the top of Angel’s Landing, in Zion National Park, in Utah, even though I was certain I would not live to include it in this list.

57. Last year, I forded a wild stream in Kauai, holding onto a rope that was entirely inadequate and I would have been swept over the falls if a big, muscley surfer-dude had not come to my rescue.

58. I almost always wear underwear when I’m in public.

59. haven’t gone hang-gliding yet. I’m waiting until the doctor tells me I have only six months to live.

60. I fucked boyfriend du jour in a graveyard once. Once was enough.







61. I tried to commit suicide once, but it didn’t work.

62. Now I take Zoloft and I love being alive.


63. I am covered with tatoos.

64. When I was 15 I went to a hypnotist and he tried to hypnotize me, but it wasn’t working, and I told him it wasn’t working and he got mad at me, so I pretended it was working, and he was so thrilled with his success that he wanted me to be his subject in a demonstration he was going to give.


65. I had an uncle who was a dirty, fucking, pedophile creep and I hope he burns and rots in hell.
66. Not that I hold any grudges or anything.

67. I get annoyed with adults who don’t know the difference between “their,” “they’re,” and “there.”
68. I get annoyed with adults who think that you make a plural by adding apostrophe s to a noun. e.g. “I have two husband’s.” Didn’t you go to school, you pitiful excuse for a human being?
69. I get annoyed with everyone and anyone who starts a sentence with the word “Me,” as in “Me and Mike were gittin’ it on!” It’s “Mike and I,” motherfuckers!
70. Sometimes, I get annoyed with myself for being so intolerant, but mostly I’m okay with it.


71. I ate frog legs once, just to be able to say I had done it. It was nasty. I felt so guilty. Poor little frogs. As if they don’t have enough problems, with loss of habitat and all.


72. I tried escargot too. I brushed my teeth about six times afterwards.


73. Talk about guilt! For the first thirty years of my life, I felt guilty about masturbating. Now it’s all good. It has been helpful to read blogs about the shame-free way that men relate tales of their solo escapades.

74. I have never faked an orgasm. And if you believe that, you must be a man.

75. I go to the gym three times a week and work out for 1½ hours each time. But I feel guilty that I’m not getting the exercise by doing actual, productive work.

76. I feel guilty about feeling guilty.

77. I hate cooked carrots, but I don’t feel guilty for hating them. They deserve it. Stupid carrots.


78. I’m left-handed, but I masturbate with my right hand. Go figure.


79. I plan to wash all the windows in my house, as soon as hell freezes over.


80. I thought I was in love once, but it was just gas.


81. I can read palms. You will lead a long and happy life…oh dear, wait…never mind, let’s talk about something else.


82. I’ve never met a vibrator I didn’t like.


83. I am really hungry right now, so I’m going to go get something good to eat and try not to feel guilty about it, even though I know I will, because I promised myself I wouldn’t eat anything fattening tonight, but everything that sounds good to me is fattening!


84. No man has ever beaten me up, but if one ever tries, I can guarantee he’ll be sorry.
85. I float like a moth and sting like a wasp…on steroids. I’m a pretty good boxer, too. (Not really.)







86. My ex and I went to a nudist camp several times, back in the 80’s. It was an eye-opening experience. I was amazed at the variation in size, shape, color, and condition of the bare-naked penises. Most of the men were able to keep them deflated, but one well-endowed teenager was at half-mast most of the time. It was quite entertaining.


87. I learned the hard way that I must never tell a Jehovah’s Witness missionary that I am an Atheist. It is like waving raw meat in front of a lion.


88. When I was five years old, a neighbor girl hit me across the head with a two-by-four. So I killed her. (Only one of these sentences is true.)


89. While I’ve never done any actual research on the subject, I suspect that lesbians give better cunnilingus than men do, since they actually know THE LOCATION OF THE CLITORIS!


90. I can crush Japanese Beetles with my bare fingers.


91. I think the sale and use of marijuana should be legal. Period! Exclamation mark:


92. My favorite pen is in the shape of a flamingo, with lots of bright pink feathers on top of its head.


93. Sometimes I wish I had a pet, preferably an orange-haired kitty, but then I smoke a joint and forget about it.






94. I tried smoking oregano once. Mama mia! It was disappointing.


95. I cry over spilt milk.


96. I truly believe that two wrongs make a right.


97. You CAN have your cake and eat it too. It will be stored in that roll of fat around your waist.


98. Sometimes I think I may have a split personality. But then someone inside my head assures me that I don’t.


99. A rose is a rose is a rose, unless it’s a banana. In that case, it might have a “split” personality. Get it? A banana split? Never mind.


100. I’m nearing the finish line! My heart is pounding like an angry judge’s gavel. I’m out of breath. I think I may throw up! But no, I can’t quit now, no matter how much you would like me to!


101. I cooked a man in Crisco, just to watch him fry.

13 comments:

V. said...

102. You are a master of punmanship
103. You are selling music after 1980 short. There is a lot of great stuff out there, you just don't hear it on the radio
104. That was probably the best blog post I have read in a year and I feel like I know one of my favorite sixers now.

Thanks.

Liberality said...

no, I tried it once so maybe I'm no expert but lesbians don't do oral sex better. my hubby however is pretty damn good at it. I don't have to fake anything ever with him so I think I'll keep him another 25 years.

Captain Smack said...

"29. I would like to impose a worldwide, absolute law that would require a minimum age of 50 for any and all members of any and all military or pseudo-military groups. I’m pretty sure that would put the brakes on war."

Or, at the very least, it would solve our social security problem.

"39. I lived in a boxcar for the first year of my life."

Now, that's interesting. I like the way you make no attempt to explain it.

"61. I tried to commit suicide once, but it didn’t work."

Oh, great. And I was just thinking about doing a post making fun of people who do that.

"73. Talk about guilt! For the first thirty years of my life, I felt guilty about masturbating. Now it’s all good. It has been helpful to read blogs about the shame-free way that men relate tales of their solo escapades."

You're welcome.

"76. I feel guilty about feeling guilty."

You should be ashamed of yourself.

"89. While I’ve never done any actual research on the subject, I suspect that lesbians give better cunnilingus than men do, since they actually know THE LOCATION OF THE CLITORIS!"

Isn't Clitoris somewhere in Utah? Or am I thinking of Cleetus? No, Cleetus is in Georgia, so, yeah, Clitoris must be in Utah. (see, I'm not like those other guys)

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Sorry to be so late to comment. I was jammed up last night with 2 tennis tournaments, 4 golf tournaments and all the NHL research.

For starters, you make like my political blogging but I LOVE your erotica and your puns and I know I couldn't come up with a list like this. You've accomplished something rather literary here. A confessional which is funny and has no bathos. I think even Dale Peck would be proud of you.

I'll highlight my favorites. In order of appearance. My comments follow in brackets.

12. My mother was married five times. She was divorced once. That was before record keeping was computerized. [Confessional, touching and laugh out loud funny.]

18. My mother said that I was “a selfish brat,” just because I re-possessed the birthday gift that I had just given to my little sister. SHE WASN’T USING IT CORRECTLY, DARN IT!! [Your mother was wrong. What you did should be an OFFICIAL RULE OF ALL GIFT-GIVING]

20. I am an Atheist, goddamn it! [Nice radical viewpoint; solid bread-and-butter pun]


21. I pretend to be tolerant of religious nuts, but I think they’re stupid. [This touches me in an odd way.]

30.I do not wish to listen to any popular music produced after 1985. It is not music. [Go away, Z, go far, far away]


31. I realize that I sound like my father when I say that. [Please come back, Z]


32. The only sport I was ever good at is Poker. Make that “the only sport I didn’t SUCK AT was Poker.” [Do you tend to play Big Slick aggressively pre-flop for it's honor power or passively for it's drawing/escaping power?]

42. I went to a lowbrow Chippendale-style performance once. Those guys were so incredibly sexy; I was ready to tear their tiny little briefs right off of them! All of the women in the audience were hootin’ and hollerin’. [Fuck you very much. I'm 5'7" have a hairy chest and don't work out]

45. I wish I were fluent in Spanish. [Espero que fueras ma' que tu]

51. And then there was the time when I chased a bunch of armed hunters off of our farm, with nothing but my anger and a lot of profanity. [Only way to deal with bullies. Remind me to tell you my story of not standing up for playing of God Bless America with a row of frat boys behind me]

59. haven’t gone hang-gliding yet. I’m waiting until the doctor tells me I have only six months to live. [I go you one better...I'm neither hang-gliding, bungee-jumping nor surfing even after I'm dead]

61. I tried to commit suicide once, but it didn’t work. {Thanks God it didn't work. I KNOW I WRITE FOR EVERYONE!]

62. Now I take Zoloft and I love being alive. [You are indeed my sister. I am the Zoloft poster boy. I take it with no side effects whatsoever and have not had an incidence of chemical depression in 10 years...and I don't give a shit if it lines Pfizer's pockets. It saved my life.]


63. I am covered with tatoos. [Good. They're cool and one of us has to be. The history of my people (not the stupid bible) prevents me from getting one because so many of my forebears had tattoos forced upon them. I think they look mad great on women.]

65. I had an uncle who was a dirty, fucking, pedophile creep and I hope he burns and rots in hell. [In a sense it's lucky your Uncle didn't run across the Kelso family when he was alive. He would have experienced worse than hell. As a clan we have a rather EXTREME view of Short Eyeses and how to handle them]

67. I get annoyed with adults who don’t know the difference between “their,” “they’re,” and “there.”

68. I get annoyed with adults who think that you make a plural by adding apostrophe s to a noun. e.g. “I have two husband’s.” Didn’t you go to school, you pitiful excuse for a human being?

69. I get annoyed with everyone and anyone who starts a sentence with the word “Me,” as in “Me and Mike were gittin’ it on!” It’s “Mike and I,” motherfuckers! [collectively...in blogland, #67 and #68 are half the time just poor copy-editing. I fuck up all the time and my grammar's excellent...#69 is an interesting question. As a matter of proper usage, you are correct. There is a school of linguistics, however, which believes in the natural evolution of usage. I have a cousin who is a linguistics Professor at GW who wrote a WaPo Op-Ed defending teenagers' use of "like" as a perfectly proper interjection and got death threats!]

71. I ate frog legs once, just to be able to say I had done it. It was nasty. I felt so guilty. Poor little frogs. As if they don’t have enough problems, with loss of habitat and all. [Frogs legs are delicious. I've had them all ways: boiled and served with cocktail sauce like shrimp in Florida, deep fried with BBQ sauce on the side in soul foud places, sauteed with lemon and garlic in French restaurants. A friend from Mississippi has promised to take me gigging and claims to have the best recipe in creation.]

72. I tried escargot too. I brushed my teeth about six times afterwards. [I love them too. Just gargle once with Listerine.[

73. Talk about guilt! For the first thirty years of my life, I felt guilty about masturbating. Now it’s all good. It has been helpful to read blogs about the shame-free way that men relate tales of their solo escapades.
[One more: I have sex regularly and 2x on Sundays and I don't often miss a day slamming the Hebrew National]

76. I feel guilty about feeling guilty. [You Jewish?]

77. I hate cooked carrots, but I don’t feel guilty for hating them. They deserve it. Stupid carrots.
[Agree. Good in chicken noodle soup or minestrone. Awful othewise.]

78. I’m left-handed, but I masturbate with my right hand. Go figure. [No need to figure anythng. It's the oldest trick in the book. It's feels like someone else is doing it.]

82. I’ve never met a vibrator I didn’t like. [Outstanding]

84. No man has ever beaten me up, but if one ever tries, I can guarantee he’ll be sorry. [Wish I could say the same for myself. I've taken some beatings. I doesn't feel real good.]

87. I learned the hard way that I must never tell a Jehovah’s Witness missionary that I am an Atheist. It is like waving raw meat in front of a lion. [Totally wrong attitude, Z. I can think of few more pleasurable ways to pass some time -- get good at it and you can occasionally convert one of them and certainly scare a whole bunch]

89. While I’ve never done any actual research on the subject, I suspect that lesbians give better cunnilingus than men do, since they actually know THE LOCATION OF THE CLITORIS! [What century did you say you were living in again?]

91. I think the sale and use of marijuana should be legal. Period! Exclamation mark: [No disagreement at all but as someone whose body will not tolerate THC, I believe we have to expand that to yeyo, natural opium, as well as granular opium, processed brown and processed white]

101. I cooked a man, just to watch him fry. [Kelso worships Z and Johnny Cash]

jewgirl said...

I adore you so hard right now, even harder than I did before. I am linking to this, sister.

Madam Z said...

v: 105. You are a master of flattery. Thank you. (blush)
106. Happy to make your acquaintance.


lib: Give that excellent hubby of yours a pat on the back from Madam Z.


Captain: 29: SS problem solved! Ex-cell-ent! 39: My daddy worked on the railroad - laying track. Retired boxcars were used for "employee housing."
61: It's ok. We deserve it.
76. I am flaggelating myself, as we speak.
89: Yes, you erudite fellow; clitoris IS in Utah. You must give VERY good head!


Kelso: Aw, gee, brother, thank you so much for your kind words. It really does make me feel good. Especially since it means you must have forgiven me for tormenting you so bad when we were kids...

32. Uh..."passively for it's drawing/escaping power?"

42: Now Kelso, did I say anything about the muscley men having to be TALL? No. I didn't. And I am sure you have some very attractive muscles somewhere. The hairy chest is a definite plus.

51: Oh please! PLEASE tell me the story of you not standing up for GBA. I never stand for the Pledge of Allegiance, either. I'm glad I live in America, since it's relatively safe (so far), but I hate nationalism like poison.

61: Thank you, Kelso. Seriously.

65: "it's lucky your Uncle didn't run across the Kelso family when he was alive. He would have experienced worse than hell."
May I send you his name and address?

69: "There is a school of linguistics, however, which believes in the natural evolution of usage."
Yeah, yeah, I know. We don't talk like Shakespeare or Lincoln. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so hard-nosed.

71 & 72: GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!

78: "It feels like someone else is doing it." You are right!

87: Oddly enough, I wouldn't want to convert a missionary, unless I sensed doubt in him. THAT would by like waving raw meat in front of the Z-Lion.

101: Johnny and Z thank you for your reverence.


Katie, you are a darling. Thank you.

Josh said...

I am not sure I have the attention span to find 100 things about me so well done.

As per 58, I hope if we ever meet it is the day you arn't.

Loved the Hypnotist in 64 - I have never tried it but I just don't think it would work with me either.

So glad you have got over your guilt (73.) Nothing sexier than a lady who knows her own body.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Z:

#32) Congratulations, that's the contemporary thinking among the better cash players. Tournaments aren't my bag so I couldn't tell you.

#42) I have broad-shoulders and am not weak, although I have no desire to go to the gym. Ever. I used to be a long-distance runner and my legs are still fairly muscular but nothing thrilling. I eat pretty healthy and don't pig out on snacks or sugary stuff and have good genetics so my physique is perfectly normal despite my aversion to the gym.

51) I went to the Trindad-Vargas fight at the Garden with a couple of friends. It was in 2003 or something. Before the main event, they played God Bless America. The two guys I was with stood. I didn't. Their politics are left of mine it was force of habit more than anything else. It never occurred to me that I'd have a single problem because this was title fight between a Puerto Rican and a Nicaraguan. Who'd care? I was right about that part. But didn't notice the row of Aryans in khakis and blue button downs 4 rows back who starting yelling and cursing at me and throwing shit. I turned around and said alto-vocce "look I'm 5' 7" and there's one of me (this was my thing not my friends') and 6 of you and you're all a lot bigger than I am. If this is so important to you, come down here and make me stand up. Or else, leave me the fuck alone." And, as a master stroke, added "Hijos de puta." Every Latin guy in the section high-fived me and slapped me on the back and my friends and I were treated to beers throughout the fight and we didn't hear shit from the Nazis all night, who actually slinked out around the 7th round.

61) Knowing that, I consider myself EQUISITELY LUCKY that you're in my blog circle.

65) ABSOLUTELY NOT. Because if you do, I'll call my father or his first cousin and they are men in their 70s who are enjoying their lives with their wives. They do not need to spend the rest of their lives in prison.

69) As with the act of "69" itself it's an "open" question and as with the act of "69" itself there's no need for guilt.

71 & 72) Why? I had a green salad and arroz con res for dinner. I'll brush and floss before I go to sleep.

78) The old stand-bys are not always retrograde!

87) I find that very touching, too.

101) The least I can do in terms of showing mad respect for two what deserve it.

Bubs said...

Wow. Katie sent me over here.

When I get the time, I think I have about 101 follow-up questions for you.

Well done!

Mathman6293 said...

21-23, 78 Me Too.

Madam Z said...

Josh: Anyone who can write about his sexual exploits with the loving detail you provide, has no deficiency in "attention span."


Kelso: I absolutely LOVE your response to the six assholes:
"look I'm 5' 7" and there's one of me and 6 of you and you're all a lot bigger than I am. If this is so important to you, come down here and make me stand up. Or else, leave me the fuck alone." And, as a master stroke, added "Hijos de puta."
You have nerves of steel (which is, I'm sure, very helpful in your role as professional gambler!).

Bubs: I'm still waiting for those "101 follow-up questions"...

Mathman: I KNEW we had something in common besides a deep affection for DCup!

DCup said...

Late as usual because I was busy and can't type with my right hand only (I whack left-handed).

This post was great fun to read. You've lead quite a life and I hope you'll haul this list out from time to time and update it.

Seriously.

Oh, and yay for you on getting those photos on the posts! Love them!

Miss Smack said...

I saw the post on Capt Smack's blog and admire your persistence to try and address 101 points! I'm not sure I could do this! Great list by the way. VERY INTERESTING :)

Congrats on the photo. I'm not spectacular but I can offer some advice on SOME blogger stuff, if you ever need a hand, email me miss.smack@gmail.com.

cheers
x