Thursday, October 04, 2007

Important Lessons I Have Learned the Hard Way

1. Do not, under any circumstances, try to shave your underarms with a bare razor blade.

2. Do not set the cookbook, the cutting board, or your special China cup on the burner of an electric range, thinking that it is not "on."

3. Do not slip a soggy dumpling off of your plate and into your pants pocket, thinking that the hostess will not see you and subsequently tattle on you in front of all the neighbor ladies.

4. Do not try to dance the Polka when you are 8 1/2 months pregnant.

5. Do not go to your first opera, wearing a dress that zips up the back, unless you are sure it is zipped.

6. If you're still a lot smaller than your mother, do not tell her, when she tells you it's time to get up, "If you think I'm getting up now, you're full of shit," even if you did hear your father tell her that.

7. Do not leave your purse on the hood of a car, in a public parking lot, while chatting with a friend, and then walk away.

8. Do not leave your purse on the chair of a restaurant in a small town in southern Utah, and then get in your car and drive all the way to Salt Lake City.

9. Do not leave your purse on the table in a public library, while you go to the rest room.

10. Learn from your mistakes and stop carrying a purse...large pockets will do just fine.

11. Do not let your doofus aunt give you a home permanent.

12. Do not let your bare leg touch the exhaust pipe of your motorcycle.

13. Do not drop your rowing machine on your bare, big toe.

14. Do not fight with your little sister, who is now bigger than you are, over who gets to wear the tiger-striped swimsuit.

15. Do not try to retroactively mask the sound of an accidental fart by making another, louder noise afterward.

16. Do not let a beautician, whose right hand is in a cast, give you a perm,

when she must wait for another beautician to have time to rinse the

perm-solution-from-hell out of your former hair.

17. Ditch the whole perm thing, altogether. Straight is great.

18. Do not leave your very favorite hat, the only hat you've ever liked, in the basket of your bike while you go into the K-Mart.

19. Do not sleep with a guy, just because you're afraid of hurting his feelings if you don't.

20. Do not marry a man who tells you on your honeymoon that "A ship can have only one captain," and you know that he isn't referring to you.

21. Do not go swimming in a public pool unless you are absolutely sure that the top of your swim suit is SECURELY FASTENED.

22. Do not drop a tab of LSD when you are supposed to go to work five hours later.

23. Do not eat a second magic brownie because the first one's "not working."

24. Do not get married until you're at least 30 or 40 years old.

25. Do not attempt to pronounce any French word, unless you are French.


D said...

Madame Z,

I wanted to let you know that I've tagged you. It may seem random but when you it check-out you'll know.

His and Hers Sex .


Miss Smack said...

You know, you've made some very very valid points here, and sadly I was nodding through most of them having been there and done that!

Never, ever again, will I let anyone put a permanent hair colour near me!


Writeprocrastinator said...

May I suggest a tether for your purse? Even better yet, the next time hubby pisses you off, have him hold it and that should take the bite out of his bark.

Madam Z said...

d: You guys are such a shy, sweet little couple. (Thanks for the libido where the heck is hubby when I need him...)

Smacky: Whoa! Don't even get me started on the hair colour...

WP: Excellent suggestions! A tether on hubby might be necessary, as well.

mgirl said...

Too bad I didn't read this list years ago Madame Z. Oh yes the second brownie, now I remember. I love your site!

V. said...

I was guilty of the tab before work, I worked at Blockbuster Video: Yikes!

Great post.