Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My New Year’s Resolutions

In 2009, I resolve to stop thinking that I am the Center of the Universe. I will no longer feel responsible for things beyond my control. It's not my fault that the world is going to Hell in a hand basket! No more letters to politicians, pleading for world peace. They're men. They want to fight. No more contributions to charitable organizations. They use the pittance I am able to send them for postage to send me more solicitations. Sorry, Polar bears! Sorry,Whales! Talk to the Humvee drivers and big oil executives.


I will no longer deny myself the pleasure of eating chocolate for fear of becoming fat. I'm fifty years old! No one gives a rat's ass whether I get fat or not! They're not looking at me! I will no longer make any attempt to be fashionable. (See the preceding sentence.) My new mantra will be, "If it feels good, wear it."


I will no longer be concerned with any but the most basic social graces. I will, of course, try not to pass gas in public, but I will say whatever I damn well please. No one gives a rat's ass what I say! They're not listening!

I just wish that I were a smoker and a drinker, so I could resolve to not try to give up those bad habits. But, I doubt that anyone would notice, anyway, given my extremely small and remote place in the Universe.

Thank you for not reading this, or caring what I think, or what I resolve.


20 comments:

Bill Stankus said...

I did not read your post and I do not know if being fat and eating chocolate are really connected. I do not know if you smoke simply because I do not know.

However, if I didn't read your blog and I don't know what you are saying it probably isn't because you are 50, which I don't know because I didn't read it anywhere.

To sum up, I think being a grumpy older person (which you are not) is perfectly good because it's a terrific way to get back at everyone younger. Social graces be damned, tho I guessing you might have said that.

Spartacus said...

Be whatever person you want to be Z. You've earned the stripes. Happy New Year!

Randal Graves said...

Now this is cynicism one can adore.

DCup said...

No way are you invisible.

I hope you have a happy and healthy 2009!

fingers said...

I hear you, Z.
I didn't get any action on NYE either...

Madam Z said...

Bill: I'm glad you didn't read my post, you little whippersnapper!

Spartacus: I'm as striped as Madam Zebra's butt! Happy New Year to you too!

Randal: Cynicism is my only virtue.

DCup: You can't see me, can you?

fingers: Oh well. Maybe next year.

Happy healthy 2009 to you all!

Harry said...

It's January 1st NOT April 1st
Madam Z!

Utah Savage said...

What Harry said. And no one is a cynical as Randal. And no one is as old as I. So, sorry Madame Z, you are too the center of the universe.

Madam Z said...

Harry: Darn! You caught me. Maybe I'll make some new, more reasonable resolutions on April 1.

Utah: Double darn! Does that mean I have to go back to writing my senators and denying myself chocolate?

Lash said...

a tryst with honesty :)

Grant Miller said...

Hell yeah, about the chocolate.

Cat said...

I think I will start to live this way this year as well - I can toatally relate!!

Cat said...

Oh Happy New Year!!!

Utah Savage said...

Yes, you will need to write your senators, but you may eat all the chocolate you want.

Speaking of chocolate, I'm finally getting around to learning to make fudge. I'm getting better at it, and the breadth of my ass can attest to that.

Creepy said...

You can always start smoking and drinking in preparation for next year.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Please don't fall into that if it feels good wear it trap. I'm telling you, that's were we get over weight women in booty shorts, two sizes to small and belly shirts. Not to mention small dicked brothers attempting to wear magnum condoms. That's how come women end up having to vacuum out their privates at the end of sexual romps. I'm just saying.

Madam Z said...

One Man: The thought of becoming one of those " overweight women in booty shorts, two sizes too small and belly shirts" has scared me into breaking at least two of my resolutions. I just threw out all of my booty shorts and belly shirts, and half of my chocolate.

Montgomery Maxton said...

they're putting all the valentines day crap out already

Mike from Adelaide said...

You're not the centre of the universe????? I must be on the wrong blog then......

Ms Smack said...

I didn't get any lovin' on NYE or Christmas either! BOOOOOOOOOOO